Dramatic Cunt Rant

Today is one of those days where everyone is on my Shit List. I can't seem to think how the people that I love and support have such a hard time reciprocating that gesture. I am by far a selfish person with my wealth. My wealth being my finances, materialistics, creativity, thoughts, love, or anything positive that I possess greater than others. When I help others, it's because I want to. And for what I reap, it's an immeasurable blessing and benefit. However, I have constantly been shitted on in the past and in the present, and I am about sick of it.

I wrote a blog months ago about supporting your peers. I generally want everyone to win, especially the underdogs. I have supported numerous bull shit business ventures by people because I love when someone is ambitious. Then ambition turns to greed, I immediately want to renege my support. When you have your heart and mind set on something to improve your and others lives, and when the money is coming in like you want, you want to jump into something else that requires more support from me. You trying to wear too many hats and it aint gon' work. These are Jacks of all Trades and Masters of None. Genuine support is hard to come by, and I would appreciate that if I support you, you do the same for me. I have passed so many ideas on to others and have not been properly thanked (support) for. Not to mention, I have discussed my own personal ideas to others to have them SHITTED on and then STOLEN. From now on, I will NOT discuss anything in the future to anyone, nor will I give up my "connect" to anyone. You need something? You go through me or find your own way out. It seems as if that's what I have to do now.

I hate asking for favors anyway. People will say anything and with me it's unnecessary. You can't do somethiing to help me, say that. Don't have me waiting in the dust because you said you can get something done. I can google shit if I wanted, but since you said (without me asking), that you can have it done, and you can't give me results. Just say no. Its okay to reply to my email, with a "No, I am sorry." or "Bitch, I don't work for free!" I totally GET IT. I believe in principle. It can be a favor for a favor, it can be purchased, whatever, I get it. What you don't get is that you can lose out on the biggest blessing by not wanting to help someone else. It doesn't hurt to help- FOR FREE. The sad part is that certain people in my life who deserve what I can offer may not get because I will be extremely selective on what and who I chose to help. Sprinkling Glitter (offering support and motivation) to someone every damn day is starting to be the downfall of my life. I am giving you want I can give to myself. I give you a fucking great idea and there you go. What do I have left for myself? Tears.

There are so many people out there that I don't even know personally or have even met, that send me more motivation than the people I "know". And to those wonderful people, you can get have all of my glitter. As for the others, I can be the "go-to" person for your benefit, but I can't ask you for shit? Seriously, tho? Please evaluate your life. Better yet, let me evaluate mine.

Now that felt good.

You'll Get More Bee's With Honey

I really wanted title this "You'll Get More Twat With the Truth", but that's just the cunt in me. Anyheaux, if we gave every man who lied to us our cookies, we'd have more miles on us than an '84 Cutlass Supreme.  We (women and some men) have experienced our share of being lied to just for the sole purpose of getting our pannies. My point here is, we probably would be more giving if the men were a little bit more honest.
What is so hard about about speaking honestly to someone, in this case, who is not officially "yours"? Say you are just casual or maybe even dating, but the thought of sex is definitely in the air. You are not obligated to this person, so why lie?  Most of my experience is that men believe that if you don't ask him a specific question or a question at all, if they don't tell you, they are not lying. Peep the scenario:

Me: You have a girlfriend?

He: No.

Me: Are you dating anyone.

He: You.

This would seem to be a straight to the point convo, right? Uh uh. He failed to say that he was trying things out with a past "light switch" ex. Or that he was engaged, or married, or dating someone other than you. But since you didnt ask the specific "Are you married?" or another detailed question, he didn't answer accordingly. "They are only answering the questions you asked." BSTFUH. What part of the game is that? An honest man is a rare commodity, and many women may find your candid truth attractive. And ladies, you really wanna know how he feels? Truth Serum is a biatch.

In my opinion, we would be more willing to have sex with someone who we had trust in, despite a situation. Being lied to is being mislead. If you lied to me about where you ate dinner, who's to say you haven't lied to me about your who you slanging "d" to on a regular? Give me the opportunity to decide if I want to further the relationship after you told me the truth. After all, it is you in the wrong.  

By the way, there is no vice-versa on this subject for men, y'all are willing to beat our back in even when we are lying to you.

Conquering All Fears

As I conquer the smaller goals I have placed, I think of the future I could have. In order to be more successful, I have to conquer my fears as well. As we all know, one of my huge fears, or as I like to call it, my anchor, is being social. With the help of my dear friend Terry Thierry, I am on a "Social Mission". In order to find my place in the blogosphere, I must find my place in an off-the-internet type social setting. Yes, Lady Complex will be live and in the flesh.

For those who know me personally, I am far from shy and knowing me is loving me. I've been told there is no "grey area", nor is their a "hate area". Sounds so beautiful, but that's when the anchor holds me down. I am not initially personable, to anyone. I am approachable, but not the approaching one. I believe I come off controlling and dominating due to my strong personality and some people dont take well to that type of approach. In a normal social setting, if no one initiates a conversation with me, we'll be sitting there silent. I am cordial and acknowledge all who is around me, but that's my limit. For so long, I just summed it all up to some people have it (personality) and some people don't. But that's not all true. I have it, I just don't want to use it. Or let's now say, I didn't want to use it- in the past.

What does this mean? Me, blooming into a social butterfly, stepping out on life and on faith, and letting my guard down. I am excited, I mean, I want to meet new people. And yes, I am ready to meet new people. I've been living in Houston for 4 years now, I should've meet more people than I have. I no longer want to be skeptical of people and possible motives, cause frankly, I don't want anyone to be skeptical of me. I just wanna live and be LIVE! For what was holding me down for so long, hopefully will be no more.

When I began the site, I set small goals so I dont aim for much to only fail, successfully. So far, so wonderful. Which is why I take so much pride into my work. I only want to write about things that are true to me and what I believe. Although some may not agree, but I wanted to create a space for those who can agree to disagree. As for those who will call their followers fans, I'd rather treat mine with more respect to call them "supporters". Is there a difference? To me, yes. But, dont ask me to explain, it only makes sense to me. *wink*

Just when I think I can't take anymore and I feel the need for a spontaneous vacay from civilization, I recieve an email, text or tweet from one of my supporters who tell me how much they appreciate my writing. Then some mornings, I'll recieve an email from a website/ blog offering me a guest entry on their site. It's a complete accomplishment to feel needed in what some may call life. If I want sh** done the way I want it done, I need to get to talking. I can imagine the limitless opportunities I can recieve if I just open up.

Let me honor my calling by conquering this fear and retract my anchor.

No Hope for Hip Hop? A Consumers Opinion

I don’t particularly care to write about hip hop in general, only for the fact that I don’t particularly care for it anymore these days. I did write this order for an independent magazine, and unfortunately the email I was “sent” never reached my inbox. –Blank stare- But it’s all good. *Cues UGKs “Keep on Pushin’”*

I bring on this question to express my own opinion. IMO= my truth. However, I am biased when it comes to this subject. I am known to be a harsh critic for today’s music, some would ask, “Who is she to give her opinion?” My answer to that is I am the consumer who purchases your work, which purchases all your bling, cars, bottle service, weave and lace front wigs. When I dish it out, no one’s excluded. Please don’t ignore me.

I'm from Louisiana, where the raunchiest of the raunchiest music comes from. I grew up on Magnolia Shorty, the Original Cash Money, Mystical, No Limit, and X-MOB. I have been hearing about money, cars, clothes, and hoes my whole life so what’s new? Well, nothing really, just a little bit more boldness coming from more male and female hip hop artists. This is particularly why I don’t listen too much of today’s artists. They are either talking about “raw dawgin’ a hoe”, “hittin’ a hoe”, or “being a 5 star bitch”. Don’t get me wrong, these tunes make for fun times in a club setting on a drunken night, but why would I want to purchase your album when I can barely understand your gibberish in my ride? Great singles but whack albums. I am all for talking major trash and having a great time with ridiculous dances and antics, I also need substance. Give me a little something to make me think and dream BIGGER. When my hangover is gone and I need to listen to knowledge, I have to revert back to Scarface circa 1999 “The Fix”. Now That’s What I Call Music. No woman needs to dream (in reality) for a man with a huge -err wallet, which has the fattest ass or the finest Louis Vuitton bag. The “independent” façade is cute, also not real. You’re really just pointing out how well you can spend your money while in the same breath asking for a man with more than you. Umm, if you can do all this and fry fish at the same time, whatchu need him for? Oh, you want more, which is when you start falling into the ever-so-susceptible “Gold Digger” category. You mad? You shouldn’t be. While the ladies are getting there booty shots and weave glued in, the men are raw dawgin’ their home girls. Why are we letting everyone know (on wax) that we are trying to contract a disease? Since when has that been okay? It is not healthy. All the duffle bag dollars can’t cure that shit. The artists shouldn’t take full blame, the record execs are responsible for half. Now That’s What I Call Not Music.

I admire those with the hustlers ambition, however that doesn't mean I admire their music. Like Nicki Minaj, chick is building her brand. It may not be "hers" persay, but she is making it her own. She has someone that believed in her and they make it work. Her flow is dope, but the rhymes are typical and basic. Recently, she claimed she was Bipolar and thats why her flow was the way it is (that explains a lot), but I can't help but wonder if this was self-diagnosed. -shrugs- It's not just her, it's also the one-hit-wonders with all these different dances. If they knew better, they could definitely make a career out of creating songs with silly Sambo-like dances. (I do them, too) Ask DJ Jubilee, he is the best that ever did it.

By no means am I getting all “Maxine Waters” on yall asses, just simply trying to be a good taxpayer and stimulate the drowning economy. We can call this a “subliminal message”, so name dropping is extremely unnecessary. You may say it doesn’t matter who I am, but it does. I am a prospective fan. My opinions should matter and so should everyone elses. Without the fans, you wouldn’t have anything. While being in the beginning stages of my writing, I am definitely open to criticism. I want the support of others, otherwise what would be the point of me writing? It’s like talking to a brick wall. So, instead of gaining respect from our materialistic possessions, let’s gain respect for having respect for your fans opinions. Let’s not talk about how raw we are when we can’t digest someone’s raw opinion.

I'm Emotional, and I Can't Let Go

My emotions change by the hour. I'm either extremely happy, extremely sad, or ridiculously mad. Either way, my emotions are making me a stronger woman. Normally, showing emotions "humanize" people, but breaking that barrier is hard. To some, showing emotions show vulnerability. Your emotions can definitely get the best of you, no matter how hard you try you can't control them. Cry now or cry later. You're gonna cry. Your emotions are yours and only yours. Emotions are the one thing that no one can take away from you.

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression along with borderline bipolar after I lost my mom makes me question my emotions at times. I don't know if I had these issues before her death, but it does make me wonder if I am only acting out on the absence of her? Like, would I be happy if she was here, or would I be the way that I am now? I think they are pretty logical questions but they serve as brainteasers because this is something I will never have the answers to.

I practice showing my emotions on a daily basis. I cry, I scream, laugh, frown, and even break shit (*whispers* that's my emotion for MAD). However I feel, I think you should know. When you find yourself at a crossroad with emotion, you should pick up a healthy habit to assist with dealing with them. Here's some suggestions.

-You're extremely happy? Get together with other happy people. Go shopping, go eat. Keep the mood going,

-You're sad? Call someone that has a positive outlook on situations. They can give you the "boost" you need.

-Mad? Breathe. Take a moment for yourself. Wanna talk to someone? Call someone with a good ear. These people will let you vent their ear off and never say a word. Wanna be alone? Hit the gym, take your frustrations out there or pick up a book.

You may find serenity in other forms as I do. Instead of retail therapy, I'm investing my time into something that's worth more to me and will hopefully reap monetary benefits. Yuup, I'm writing. I pour my heart into my pen so much to where my hand wants to fall off! When you cry so much like me, to where your contacts fall out, you've got a story to tell. I wouldn't care if no one read my stories here on my book, I'm gonna write. It may not change you, but its changing me. I have my emotions and thoughts to guide me.

People think they know you, but you don't even know you. You will never know you. We can change, not by choice but by nature. Human nature gave us what we know as emotions.

LifeStyle 101

"When will women stop letting men dictate the way they chose to live?"

This is a question I ask myself everyday. The answer in general is probably never. Lifestyle, in my opinion, is however you chose to live you life. It could be if you want to see women, men, or both, have a group of friends that are tasteless, who you want to sleep with, classifying you as a heaux from how many you dated, if you are over weight or underweight, beautiful or ugly. Who is anyone to tell you who you are and you accept it? Some females have the nerve to get upset when a man approaches them with this. They even let this foolishness shift the way they feel. It's called confidence people. Love me or leave me alone.

There are things people question about the opposite sex that will never be answered to your liking. Despite what you've heard, all questions are not asked to be answered. When the answer is given, it's their truth. It doesn't have to be yours. Just accept and move on. Not every man will like you, find you attractive, or even agree with everything you have to say. What can you do but live? When I stopped questioning the why's and what's of what a man will do and won't do, I got a man. A damn good one at that. No man will do ever do everything you expect them to as a "man". We don't fall to everything a woman is said to do, why should they? I don't cook, but according to some men, as a "woman" I should. My truth is that doesn't make me less of a woman. I expect my man to take my car get washed, inspected and oiled, he doesn't though. That doesn't make me question his manhood.

Am I saying that majority of women/ men who continuously question the opposite sex may be the reason why they are single? Kind of. See, most women, who in previous relationships, who have been the victim of infidelity have the approach that once a cheater, always a cheater. Not necessarily. They pin the blame on all men, but forget that if they had been the cheater in a relationship, they wouldn't want the same title. I have cheated in my previous and current relationship. I wouldn't consider myself a serial cheater but, I would hate if my partner didn't trust me to say that I would do it again. Being in a relationship with someone who has a past or who is more experienced with the opposite is always questionable, however, people do change and routines change as well. You can change, but why can't he?

Although it may seem as if I am taking the men's side, I am not. I have merely been the guilty and victim of everything spoken about. I will be friends with whomever, I will date anyone I choose, and I will eat, sleep, and sh** on my own time. Maybe I am the only one left who believes in "All is fair in love and war."

Pot Callin' the Kettle Black, or High Yellow

Over the weekend, I woke up lurking thru the Devil's Playground (Twitter) and there was a plethora of complaining bee-ah-ches regarding Wale's new vid "Pretty Girls". The problem was, so they say, was that there was no dark skin women in the video. Only light skin/light bright/messicans. Mind you, these are the same people who use MTO as a source of world headline news.

Maybe I could understand the complaints...if I were still living on Massah's Plantation. And no, I am not taking sides because I am light skin. Truth is, we are so prejudiced against our own race, we could never win for nothing. It wasn't a problem when Trey Songz placed a dark skin with "natural hair" for his vid "Invented Sex", so why now? Oh, is it because "you" weren't featured? As for the "natural" hair, my hair is naturally wavy, so I guess because I have a better grade of hair than some, it's not natural? Cause from what I was told, there was a bit of everyone in it, even big ladies. On another note, why dont you see big ladies complain about not being featured in videos. And why are we even complaining about being in a damn music video? Is this what we have to look up to now?

My problem is that this dark vs. light skin shoulda been gone since Skool Daze. It's more ridiculous that we do not accept other skin tones in our race until we are questioned by another. "Why are you so dark and she's so light?" asked by the ignorant (insert race) male/ female. Our answer would be, if not worse, "Honey, we come in all different shades. That's what's so beautiful about being black." BSTFUH. You wanna say that now, but when it comes to being "chose",you have a major issue. "He only chose her cause she bright/dark." This particular subject brings me back to personal preference. Who someone chooses to want, in the least, is their choice. And most of the time when it comes to videos/movies, etc, it's the directors or producers choice.

Both sides go at each other. Anytime we get mad, we always include color of skin followed by a quick b****. Don't worry other races people do it to, except they'd rather call you out by your class "Coon-ass b****", "Trailer-Trash" or "Wet Back". Do you know how many times I have been called out "High Yellow, hoe"? I can't even count. But the moment I throw a "Dark/ Choclate/ Charcoal" in front of that, I am wrong. I don't like to be called out by my skin tone just as much as you. Instead of using someone's background or wealth as classification, we are separated by our skin tones. That's the same mess they did on the plantation, Massah. What are you going to say when the government decides to do it again? (History does repeat itself, ya know)

If our race can possess such beauty in variations of colors, why do we have to do this? We set ourselves up for failure everytime, which is why so many other races feel as though they can use this termanology the same.

Daddy's Home

Last night, I was greeted with the presence of my ever-so inebriated father at my doorstep. For what was suppose to be a pleasant one night visit, quickly turned into hell within the first 10 seconds of seeing him. Before we even spoke a word to each other, I seen him fall on a parked truck. It's never any different, however, this is not what I am unhappy about.

My father has been an alcoholic for what I can recall 35 years. Probably starting before he was of the legal age until this day. Ultimately, it got worse when my mother was sick and passed in 2008. Many of my family members use her death as a crutch, better yet excuse, to do the things they do. This sickens me because it's almost like they are blaming her for dying, which she had no control over. In the last year or so, my dad has been in and out of the hospital with pancreatitis, fluid on the lungs, and after suffering a stroke, he now has an aneurysm on his brain. But, he still insists on drinking until he can't see straight and abusing the people that genuinely care for him, forcing them to stay away from him.

What I am so unhappy about is that at 25 years old, I still have to endure his alcohol and abuse. I've never been so vocal about my family issues until now because I know there are more people who have gone through or is going through the same issues that could possibly benefit from me. If you follow me on twitter, you probably have seen me tweet about my father being a substance abuser my entire life. I feel bad that I have to separate myself from him because I am his daughter and I should be there, but I can't. Not if I want to succeed.

You would think that after losing someone so close and someone that you love dearly, that you would change for the sake of her life. Not everyone thinks the same. How many people do you have to lose physically and personally for you to even "want" to change?

I feel bad for the women that he meets. I truly do. He is a womanizer and I don't believe for one minute he will treat them any different than he treated my mom. What they get now is sh** compared to the hell she went through. He doesn't even respect his parents or children, what makes you think he will respect you? You are nothing more than a person to pin the blame on when his sh** falls apart every other day. I honestly wish it could be different because there is someone that wants to help him, but unfortunately he hasn't changed.

While I will never discredit my father for being an awesome dad and provider, he did raise us well, but as a man and a husband to my mother, he was the worst.

Suicide Watch

On to a more serious note. The fashion world has lost an icon, Alexander McQueen, was said to have committed suicide. The talk is that it was prompted by the death of his mother about a week ago. So many can ask "was it that bad?"Technically, yes, it could've been that bad. Being that I have been to the place he was before he decided to end it all, I will say that I will never question someone's decision over their own life.

Losing my mother was like losing myself. She meant everything to me. There is not a day that goes by without a thought about her. I go to be every night with hopes of her visiting me in my dreams. I would give up everything to have her here today. She means more than any amount of money could buy.

No matter what material possessions, friends, future, etc, that may "look" good, may not always be good. Having millions, celeb friends, and a bright future is nothing when it comes to self. Self is who you have to deal with when all of that is gone. When there is nothing left to buy with your millions, your friends are elsewhere, and your future is a mere figment of your imagination, all you have left is self judgement. During my deepest days of depression after losing her, the last thing on my mind was money, friends, family, materialistic items or my future. It was self. Jumping out of an alcohol induced binge, I then realized that I was worth more than losing. I had people that looked up to me and loved me. But some do not make it out of that stage. I thank God that I did and in the same prayer, I pray for those that didn't/ won't.

Many would say that they are too "selfish" to take their own life, well how selfish is it to questions someone elses decision of their own?

I am not condoning "suicide" by any means. I have been in that dark place and lost people who were close to me that never made the more selfless decision.

"When you are alone, it's a dark and cold place."

John Mayer and the KKK C*ck

"I have a Benneton heart and a David Duke c*ck."

Well, I'll be damned. I love John's honesty on his preference of women. It's fine with me cause my Polly doesnt want a cracker.

Even though I have heard about this Playboy interview long ago (either that or I have deja vu), it hit the blogs again yesterday. He was also asked about having a "hood pass" and he referred to it as a "nigger pass". I am hearing more people being pissed about his choice of twat than him using the "n" word. I could care less about either. I love black men and only black men, sooooo...Who am I to judge someone on their dating preference. I have my own that some may not like, but that is for me. I won't say that I will never date outside my race, but as for now, I can't see it.

I use terms about my race and other races that some may deem as racist, soooooo....I think its ignorant for one race to be able to use "derrogatory" terms and not let the other. Do I get mad when I hear someone saying "That black b****"? No, cause 9/10, they heard me say "That (insert race) b****". When you go to a comedy show, the black comedian is making jokes about all races and no one is getting offended or the "chink" joke dont make it to the morning news for stirring controversy. But, the moment a white comedian makes a joke about black people, we wanna fight.

All of yall get a BSTFUH. Get off the damn plantation.

Complex Advice for Shaquille O'Neal

I hope your lawyer is ready.

Thanks,
Management


While I'm on a roll discussing the Brazen Beauties of the NBA and trying not to be consumed in the gossip gander, I might as well discuss the smartest of them all...Shaunie O'Neal.

Being the wife of one of the best in the league, Shaquille O'Neal, Shaunie has learned to play her position and ultimately win in the name of whorish love. She's been where many women have gone and I am sure never wanted to go back- unless were money involved. After being outted by SuperHead for having lackluster, sweat wrentching, ratchett sex, I never looked at him the same. Shaunie popped out atleast 5 kids for this man and he has obviously cheated on her throughout the marriage. A year or so ago, Shaq stirred headlines accusing his wife of infidelity and "stealing" his money. Ummm? Stealing? His money? No, b****, y'all are married and whether you'd like to know it or not, that sh** is hers too. Infidelity? Chile, boo. No sir, we have heard about your sexcapades (even though they were all horrible) around the world. Stop this madness.

Let's say Shaunie was cheating on him, he found out and clearly got jealous. He then ran to the press and then to a "lawyer",and submitted a petition to divorce. And what did he think that was going to do? Maybe a lot to him, hoping that Shaunie didn't have proof. Fortunately (at the time), they rekindled the romance and all was heaven. Well, not really. Emails surfaced in November of Shaq and Gilbert Arenas wife, Laura Govan steamy (GAG) relationship. Somewhere stated between "Hi" and "Hoesh**", Lonnie G (as Govan goes by) states that she and Shaunie were good friends. Shaunie had the ball in her court and is taking that ass to divorce court.

The Brothel Madame in my mind is screaming this was a set up. A very good one I may say. Let me explain my theory. Shaunie was sick of Shaq's gawd awful sex, popping out 16 lb babies every other year, and his bull corn. She didn't have her duck(etts) in a row when Shaq was busy spreading "vicious lies" about her stealing and cheating and filed for divorce. She needed a plan. A plan that required patience and tactic. Money grabbing tactics. Who more to ask for assistance than your bestie who is busy popping out babies for her NBA husband as well? Lonnie G. Shaunie and Lonnie G set Shaq up and get proof. Proof was in the emails.

I am simply giving my opinion. If this is true, I will stan for Shaunie even more. She will be my idol and should start a summer camp for all the drab ass whores tryna lock down a great divoce settlement. Elin Nordegrin will be her top pupil! Team Shaunie!!

Before you click the link to read the emails, I am warning you. It's worse than seeing Tiger Woods' " I'm gonna wear you out" text messages...http://blacksportsonline.com/home/index.php/2009/11/shaqs-pimp-focus-is-strong-sleeping-with-gilbert-arenas-fiance-we-got-emails/


All is fair in divorce and basketball. Or so they say.

Complex Advice for Dwight Howard:

Kick rocks.

Thanks,
Management.

I wasn't going to touch on this itchy-sitchy, even though it's kind of old news, it still bothers me. I dont have a child or have ever dealt with baby mama/daddy issues so I try not to speak on sh** I haven't been through. For those who haven't heard the story that Dwight Howard plans to sue his baby's mother, Royce Reed, over slander or some sort. He also had a court injunction, or I shall call it a muzzle over her mouth to not even speak his name. I don't know too much detail but hell, that's all I need.

Granted that I do understand that there are always two sides to each story, this sh** is out of hand. As a man, Dwight Howard needs to get his a** off his (gorgeous) shoulders and respect that woman as the mother of his child. Regardless of whatever she may be tweeting to her 200 followers, she gave birth to his son. If he is sooo worried about what someone says about him as a father, he should ask the 98% of the NBA on how they handle those problems. All in all, he is suing her for hundreds of thousands of  dollars, which he knows she does not have. So what Dwight, your payback is to sue her for money she doesnt have so you can get out of paying her child support? B****, please. If you want to ignore her as a woman, you can do so, but not the mother of your son, to whom you should be setting an example for.

I am sure your name gets slandered on and off the court by your opponents or anyone else that has ill-will towards you, Dwight, so why not sue them or put a muzzle over their mouths? I think you're scared. I mean, you still fine as hell, but you scared.

You can try to sue me, but I aint got sh**.

B****, I Aint Friendly!

Journal Entry December 6, 2009

"alone, alone. you can have a million people in your corner, but still be alone at the same time. sometimes i wonder if i purposely seclude myself from others? extremely questionable."

Most who know me would probably beg to differ. My first impressions are probably the same with anyone I meet. Dry, but cordial, and little or no personality. Being initially friendly is not my tea. I am definitely not mean, but I can be a bitch. Complex, much? Yes.

My anxiety stems from depression, but the social aspect of my anxiety comes from past relationships. I was known to be a more trustworthy which is how I suffered these 3rd degree burns. Basically, they made it bad for the good.

Social Networking has broken barriers for many of us who suffer with social anxiety. I am 100% sure that most of my "friends" or "followers" from these networks wouldn't be a friend if we met else where. The good about that is it gives people the chance to know YOU (if you portray the real you over the net) before making a commitment to being a "friend-friend". This way they can easily remove themselves before getting emotionally attached without being personally attached. Makes sense?

I have a comfort zone, but I'm alone when I'm there.

So Ambitious

I admire the sh** out of ambitious people. The drive to accomplish a big or small goal is a quality everyone does not have. Some lack ambition when they become content or complacent in the state they are in. Others seek feed of the ambition that others have for them. They feel that without the gas from others they fail. While the rest lack all of these abilities and fail successfully.

In my opinion, there has to be a passion behind your ambition, the "Why" to what you want to accomplish. If your why is only to seek financial gain, you may want to dig a little deeper. Money means a lot, but substance is greater.Let your "Why" be the "Who" you want to become in the future. Once you become that person, help the ones around you become the "Who" they want to be.

I'd like to think that the some (not all) people around you admire you for the "Who" You are now, rather than the "Who" you can become. People are afraid of what they don't and cant have. This envy can fuel from materialistic or personal possessions of the next. I support numerous people or things on the strength of the potential of success. The truth is there are more people against you than for you. No one is forced to support you. But don't count on those people. While those people are focusing on you failing, you stay focused on the ones that do would want nothing more for you to make it to the top. You can make them see what they are permanently blind to and what they cant see is anothers success, which brings me back to an old blog post  Intimidated, much?

Be blessed for those that stand behind you and reciprocate the favor. Its extremely easy to lose supporters when you show ungratefulness. The people that genuinely want you to win are the people who make you who you are.

There is a fine line with being ambitious and just outright THIRSTY. The a** kissing? Have you a tube of Carmex ready. You don't like me (or my cause), you wont support and I wont beg let alone ask you to. Kissing the hierarchy's a** wont get you anywhere but a free clinic and some Abreva. You shouldn't have to wait to be someone else's project or investment. I understand that some aren't fortunate enough to contribute to their own brand, but there are ways to frame your brand. Get your name out there- with the RIGHT people. Use your connects and find the person that sees what you see in your project, not just someone to put you on. If your investor doesn't "buy" (believe) your brand outside of the monetary contributions then how can they push you to potential buyers (believers)?

I consider myself to be amongst a great group of "Go-Getters". Men and women. People who believe in theirrselves before others. If we wait for people to care or agree with us about everything that we do we wouldnt be anything right now. I have great people that love to share ideas and the spotlight. Love them for that. Thats who you need in your corner to succeed.

Celebs are the first to say "People in the (music) industry are shady.". Hell, people in my industry are shady. Your "industry" can be your inner circle, your job, your field, your family. I decided to do away with the "circles" and walk in my own line. Walk with me or without me. While I don't suggest anyone to follow me, beware the journey is long, but its fueled by motivation and ambition and driven by success.

Remember: Be passionate towards your future accomplishmnents.