Sunday, June 27, 2010

Hey, Mama

Now I feel like it's things I gotta get
Things I gotta do just to prove to you
You was gettin' through, can the choir please
Give me a verse of "You are so beautiful to me"
Can't you see you're like a book of poetry?
Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni
Turn one page and there's my mommy
Hey, Mama
I wanna scream so loud for you
Cause I'm so proud of you
Let me tell you what I'm about to do
Hey, Mama
You know I love you so and I'll never let you go
I wrote this song just so you know
No matter where you go, my love is true

-Kanye West "Hey Mama"

Every summer gets difficult. Well, it's only the second year, but ya know. Let me stop, maybe you don't. Not everyone can empathize and that's okay. Just respect my feelings and emotions in the meantime. There is Mother's Day first, then she and my father's anniversary on June 15th, then there is the anniversary of her passing and followed by her birthday. Maybe I should've felt like this last year. I was too busy partying and celebrating life and this year, I am confined to four walls holding me at night and I hold her picture next to me as I sleep with my eyes open.

I find myself reliving the days that we spent with her. Like the day she first went into the hospital, December 24th, 2007 to the day she was diagnosed with cancer on January 7th, 2008, then there are other special dates in between there that brings me to the last week she was here. That's when the true pain begins. The 26th, they gave her 2 days to live. The priest came in to give her the Last Sacrament and as a family we said the rosary and fought like animals outside while she lay there, dying. As the next day brought more emotional pain for us and more physical pain for her. Her last night, I made a promise that she would get to her house and we did. She spent her last night, in her home, surrounded by everyone who loved her.

Now, here is the 28th of June. Today. The morning my dad woke the house up at 6:32AM with the news that she was breathing slow. She was beginning to take her last breaths. I immediately jumped in her bed, next to her. To hold her, to kiss her, to sing to her, to promise her that I would never fail her as a daughter. The look on her face when she passed scared me. She looked as though she was in pain. But, after she was cleaned and dressed in her favorite gown, she left with a smile on her face.

I get questioned all the time about what's the hardest about losing your mom? Of course every bit of you losing your mother is as horrific as it sounds. Every thought, every decision, every move I make, she is always on my mind. But, I must say that the hardest part of losing my best friend is realizing that two years have gone and I haven't heard her voice. I recall the first week after she passed. I said "It's been seven days. I haven't talked to her." That's the pain I feel every time I think of her. Every time, I feel like I need someone to talk to, and of course, I want it to be her, I have to remember that she is gone. No one will be able to understand the pain that stands behind that. So, to tell you what I feel in my heart, that hurt, how I suffer, is nothing compared to how it feels. To others, I am strong and I am told frequently of how much I'm admired for my strength. To me, I am not so strong, I am only being strong because I have no choice to be weak. And if I could give you my size 8 YSLs to walk in for a second, you may get a better understanding of who I am and why I am this way. Until then, I hope what I write is enough for now.

Mama, as your daughter, I am so proud of you. I think of the life you lived that was full of pain and betrayal, and I know now you have received the ultimate reward. I know you are happy and I am happy for you.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Target Practice

Lately, for some odd reason, I've been noticing that I have been the target of some person(s) subliminal messages. Unfortunately, shooting indirectly doesn't quite hit the target. They seem to shoot aimlessly all day, using the Internet as their audience who is seemingly unsuspecting of their devious ways. You may call me guilty. I call me smart. When someones comments and statements become far too coincidental, it's no longer a guilt trip on your part. You then see what's being said are similar to what you have confided or certain life choices you are making is hitting them personally ends up as a Facebook or Twitter status, or an email ends up in your inbox, shit gets real. It's cowardice of someone to use you and your problems as the ass of your jokes. Fun times.
Through weeks of guessing and second guessing the approach, I've decided to let the Cowardly Lion's live on their courage juice for the moment. Soon enough that shit will wear off. I try to keep my tact and respect for and from others so I won't stoop to that level. Just know that if you have my personal contact information, you can let me know how you really feel. I shouldn't have to read through comments to know how you feel about me. Since when did it come to this? I thought we were friends, I mean, atleast cool. Not to mention, while you're out their bussin' caps, I'm sitting here, pretty, waiting for you to put that gun that you call a mouth, to my head. I may be waiting a lifetime, huh? I always have respect for what we may have had, so don't expect to hear anything from me, what you told me will still be in confidence although what I've shared with you is free press. And if your feeble little mind wants to think that doing this will help you when some popularity contest with your ring of ball holders, go for it, baby. It's hilarious to when someone chooses to compete with you, when you're not even running the race. So, instead of spitting bullets out the side of your mouth, buy you a gun and find a gun range. Seems as though your whole life is aimless. If you think you'll get anymore entertainment again, you'd do better watching paint dry. I have shit to do.
When you start feeling a certain way about me, trust me I already know. Most likely, that feeling may be mutual. Keep in that tiny little mind of yours that I can never be a joke. I always win.  

Monday, June 21, 2010

Hey, Daddy

Hey, daddy. Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you. Even though Father's Day was yesterday, it's important to let you know every chance I get. Of course the last couple years has been rough on the two of us. Our relationship has seemed to dwindle down to just father and daughter and not friends. But, I want to get past that. Today, I want to sit back and reminisce on my favorite memory of you.

You'd come home from work from the day shift, which you hated. I had to be like 6 or 7 and it was far past my bed time. I would intentionally wait up for you so you could tickle my back. You sat down in your chair and there I came, asking if you could tickle my back. Of course you said yes. I laid across the arms of the chair and you would pass over my back with your finger tips for about 2 minutes. When I got up, you told me "Now, Frog. That's it. You are too big and tall for that. Daddy, can't do it anymore." I cried. That was our bond. Soonafter, it was alright. I appreciate that daddy. Love you.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Loyalty is Vintage

I'd like to think I am a good friend, however so much has happened in the last year I'm going to step back and see what is really going on. With that being said, be prepared for a plethora of posts about these friends of mine. It's inevitable that all things must come to end, but damn, from what I thought was that a relationship I've had with someone was meant to be 'til death. Ultimately, it was the death of a friendship that ended it first. While, I won't go into details, what happen in the last year seems to be more painful to me than it is her. Well, I should only speak for myself here, if she wants to write about it, she can seek her own platform to do so. If you're asking why I am choosing to write this, let's just say what is the point of talking to someone who won't listen? And sometimes it's just time to stop fighting for people who don't see it for you. AND, I blog my problems, don'tcha know? Truth be told, I really don't think many of my personal friends read my blog anyway.
As I grow older physically and mentally and experience more, my judgment is shifted. I seem to understand the laws of the universe and also God's plan a little more each day. Not to mention having a great life coach by the name of Honey Tee, does me well, too. What I am seeing more clearly is that I take my relationships with people more seriously than they do me. Life's not fair, but now it's all about reciprocity. Should I not get in return what I put in? Is that me looking for something in return? When it comes to loyalty, that shit is redundant. If I put in 15 years of loyalty to one friend, I should feel like when I walk away from the friendship, I got 15 years of loyalty from her. Which, now as I attempt to step away I don't feel as though I did. I feel like for the first 14 years I made a friend and also made excuses for her shortcomings. Why? Because I felt as though I was loyal. No one could tell me anything about this girl. I defended her tooth and nail and now as I have entered the 15th year, I am seeing her for all she is worth. That narcissistic and selfish person she is. Once you start calling those fouls, it's time to bust. It came to "You've changed." Well, yes, dear. It's been 15 years, I had to change or adapt. If one can say that out of these 15 years they haven't changed in a sense that "I'm still the same ol' so and so", you need to bag-back and give them room to grow. Call me unfortunate to have lost people or experienced life changing circumstances, but those are fortunate lessons in my opinion.  
It's sad and some may think it's petty for what the last fall out was from, but understand what may be important to me, may not be to you. But as my friend, those things should be one. I won't play in people's individual worlds. Especially when we are suppose to be friends. We have our own world, together and what you do without me is for you, don't include me in that bullshit. If you find someone that will play with you in your little world, then kudo's for you. But all who is with you is damn sure not for you. It's hard for some to decipher those, but once you turn down the noise and remove the shade, all is clearer. But there is a trait that those narcissistic people share, as long as someone is on your side whether you are wrong or right, you are at the top of your game. As long as those people continue to kiss your ass, you'll do whatever they need. Tell me how my ass tastes?
What hurts the most out of this is that after 2 months of not speaking to someone I have talked to everyday for the last year , she seems unscathed. I am not that valuable? I digress. Just not valuable to her. With me, there is no grey area when it comes to my relationships. I'm either with you or I'm not. When I am with you, you have my all, if I am not with you, you know it.
So as I sit back and not only monitor this relationship status, I'll be observing all of you. My time is valuable, and not in a monetary sense. It's called loyalty, integrity, principality, and humility.
"Loyalty is Vintage" is coined by Miss Brook Lynne Carter

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Door is Shut

This thing that I call life will not be that revolving door. Evaluating my life and the people lurking aimlessly in it has been the most dreadful experience ever. Cleansing however, but still dreadful. It definitely hurts to direct people to your exit, but it hurts more when people you think care for you try to slide out the fire exit, unnoticed. Not that I would want them to stay, God forbid I beg someone who doesn't want to be kept. Hurts nonetheless.

It's all a party when you're having fun and all the drinks are free. Last call comes along, the tab is closed or someone got too drunk and got real foolish and you want to dodge. Didn't I tell you that's something you don't have to do with me. Principle, honesty, integrity, and humility. Excuse my french, I should link, those are words your unfamiliar with. No one needs to spare my feelings. That's what bitches do. Let's remember our foundation, shall we? Yea, that was you. But what you still don't and never will "get" now is that what you were looking for, was probably here.

What was really your problem? Probably that I was far too intimidating for your kind. You said it, buddy. Sorry that you aren't well equipped to even understand who I am and I what I am about. *throws glitter all over your life*

So while you were sitting on your ass for days in, I was sending you a series of texts, which could've been summed up in a few words like "get the fuck on". Well, now that you got your thoughts and your keys and shit, you can thank me later.

*player wave*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Do Me a Favor...

I have a couple of thangs Imma need from y'all. Follow instructions accordingly. =)

Go to and click "Enter Today" to vote on the ballots for Best Personal Blog and/or Blog to Watch. That would help ya girl out a bit.

I also found a new whoring spot over at Yes!! You can catch me there more than here, only because I can post my most random thoughts thru the day. Well, really I'm only there to be mean and shallow and to throw a lil' glitter. Peep it at and click follow.

I've been mailing off many of my LipStickers to many members of #teamcomplex!! I'll be posting a gallery shortly of everyone who got theirs and sent pictures! To get yours, email me your PHYSICAL mailing addy to I make mail runs every two weeks!!

Stay tuned to the site tho. Thanks to Miss GlitteryGlossy over at for the new design. There will be new pages to the blog added soon!!


Friday, June 4, 2010

Hey, Big Spender!

Oh, hey Mr. Baller guy. Yea, you. The one with the iced out peice and chain, True Religion jeans, clinching that bottle of Grey Goose like you're choking your chicken. Sit down for a minute, let me rap to you.

Have you ever been anywhere before? Like, outside of "your" city? Yes? And you ask me "why?" Honey, it's not so hard. You are acting as if you never held a bottle of water in your hand and that your mom didn't teach you to act a gentleman in public. How much did you pay for this section? And how much is your rent? Well, I know you aren't paying a mortgage, so...  Oh you wanna teach this "lil' mama" something. Me? I think this conversation is a little too much for the club scene. Let me give you my card, we should do dinner. Meet me at Vic and Anthony's, 7pm sharp.

What do you mean you don't know where Vic and Anthony's is? Oh, you forgot. Let me give you the address, put it in your GPS. I mean, you have one of those right? They come standard on everything including a calculator. Okay. I'll be at the bar, with a nice bottle of Chateau Mouton Rothschild 1992. Why are you quiet? You do like wine, right? Hmm, well, I'll see you in a few.

Hello, there. You must've also forgot to leave your jeans and v-neck at home. Vic and Anthony's don't play that. Now we're subject to sit at the bar. Anyhow, so you said you've been productive today. What's your definition of "productive"? Oh, so you laid in bed and counted money, eh? Must be nice. Takes quite a skilled individual to count money while sleeping. Moving on, I'll take a crabcake for an appetizer and Pan Seared Snapper for my entree. Why are you staring at the menu like that? Did you forget what they serve here also? We must re-introduce you to nice places again. How long has it been? Oh, you just been traveling so much. So, tell me where have you been? Too many places to name, huh? Boy, you must have beaucoup frequent flyer miles. Rightttt. You only want a salad? Sorry, garcon, he would like the same as I. Yes, I ordered for you. You should eat. *laughs* Garcon is just trying to lay your napkin on your lap and hand you your utensils. You shouldnt be shocked, you've been MAJOR places.

Dinner was great, wouldn't you say? Alright? The wine, you didn't try. So, where are you off to now? You have a section and 8 bottles of Rose' at the club. Fun times. Thanks, garcon, he has the ticket. Excuse me? Yes, I knew the bottle of wine was $700. I know I didn't drink all of it, either. I thought you liked the finer things as do I? I mean, I go by what I see. You were and will pop bottles in the club tonight. And you did say you counted your money while sleeping all day. Is the $900 tab going to run you short for your section and 8 bottles of Rose'? Oh, I'm so sure. Heh. Garcon, here's my card. And you, Mr. Baller guy, you can drown in your bottles of Grey Goose and Rose'. Right along with the other thirsty whores, men and women. You are no longer needed in these parts. Good Day.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Get Bucked Off Your High Horse

If any of you are like me, the sight of someone posting shit like, "Life is so grand!" or "I am so happy" everyday on their facebook, makes you clinch your ass tightly together. Lawd knows they are lying. I read fakes like a book, so they aint fooling me. I took this rant on twitter this a week ago due to an abundance of bull shit postivity postings on every place bullshit can be posted. So if you missed it, here goes. Read Now. Swallow Later.

I don't consider myself to be real. I'm just honest with myself. I don't believe people when they drill how positive they are. Really? Your life is THAT great? Chile, boom. Don't get me wrong, I have a nice life, but to say I am positive 24 hours, 7 days a week...I'd be lying.  I'm only human and if someone judges me on my negative comments/mean girl statements, I can only offer them a first class ticket to Hell. God don't like that. Now that's positive. People who know me love me for who I am and respect me for what I say and do. I don't lie to God, myself or anyone else. What some don't get is that one can be negative but their life is fine, or they can be positive and their life is falling apart. Recognizing what's wrong in your life and talking about it is not negative. It's called self awareness. Most peoples problem with self awareness is realizing that they're just like everyone else. Get over yourselves.

Someone asked me what is it called when you notice what's wrong in someone elses life? I call that observation. Silent observation is best. If you're vocal about your observations on anothers problem(s), it may come out as judgement. Which, I don't condone. While I may try my best not to be negative towards anyone, I've had many whose lives are in complete disaray tell me about mine. However, I knew it was only a matter of time that their life/projects/shit would fall completely apart. And it did. I would NEVER tell me someone what was told to me. My revenge will be sweet though. Not that I wish that on anybody, but ya know. *mean girl jig*

This is the most postive advice I can give anyone: be honest with yourself. It's okay to say you're depressed, oppressed, broke, unhappy, etc. Maybe someone is out there that believes in you and you're straight up lying to them. You are the hardest person to prove yourself to. Once that is complete, everything or everyone else falls at the waist side. Overall life can be great, but you have to acknowledge the bad, too. Don't ignore it. I don't count my blessings by my materialistics, travels, and moneys. Those things only offer freedom. It's your family, friends, and lessons that keep you grounded.

And thanks too @TwOliveSong for reminding me of what my greatest tweet may be..."Ppl get all "philosophical" on twitter when in real life they aint shit. Go somewhere with that shit. Yall hoes too." (That shit was EPIC though, right?)

"Gotta come down that positivity mountain sometimes. And that valley is stankin'. LOL" -@invincewil