Chapter: Confinement (Excerpt)
"It had to be the worst day of my life. It was her second day of the two day life span the hospice nurse gave her. She was in a state of comatose and most importantly, I knew she was extremely uncomfortable in the current situation. Even though she could no longer speak, she would only communicate with me and I knew she heard everything that went on.
Everyone was literally at each others throat. A huge fight broke out outside of grandmother's house the night before. It was in-laws against blood. Grandmother no longer wanted daddy's and his family at her house to visit mom. What grandmother denied was how much her in-laws loved her. It was an unconditional love that she could not give to her own daughter. She had a sharp bitterness for everyone that gave her the kind of love she longed for. Dad was just the opposite, but one in the same. He justified the damage he caused her with his unconditional love. Everyone from dad to my brother and sister, and her mom and sisters where carrying so much guilt for either abusing or abandoning her at her worst times, they all were fighting to be there til her last breath. But, they were going about it selfishly.
I was playing the fence. I wanted to give everyone the chance to pay their respects I wanted peace for mom. I wanted to give her all she desired until it was over. But, at the moment it was so hard, I couldn't do anything. It was like everyone turned against me. All of my aunts, my dad, my brother and sister, were all pointing the finger at me for everything. I couldn't understand if I was the only one being selfless, what am i doing wrong?
For twelve hours, me and mom sat in the living room at her mothers house, being watched like we were in prison. I didnt eat, brush my teeth, drink anything the whole day. We just sat there, looking at each other, me praying, gazing into her eyes as she would gaze into mine. I made my decision, I whispered in her ear, "I have a surpirse for you today. If you can just hold on a little longer, I'm going to take you on a trip." She looked at me and gave me the deepest sigh of relief.
The ambulance ride was tough. I was afraid that it was too much for her already fragile body. We were only blocks away from our destination. I can still see the fright in her eyes and face. I talked to her and ran my fingers through her hair, saying "We're almost there!! You're doing so good!!" I could tell she was fighting so hard to stay with me."
The Beautiful Tragedy: Book Summary
She was the most angelic, beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes upon. The type of beauty that flows from the inside and cascades out. Her flaws exposed to all who knew her. Yet and still poised and preserved. Such amazing qualities with character constructed by a lifetime of pain, betrayal and deceit. Countless admirable attributes. A soul so forgiving that she was made by the Almighty Highest to be a walking angel. To others, she may have been the least of these. But to me, she was my mother.
As a child there were many things that I did not know about my mother. Things that I was not suppose to know. As I grew older, the whispers turned to shouts and the tales became truths. The secrets, the lies, the mistakes, the love, the loss, the deceptions, and the infidelities were beginning to be more existent. I found the beauty in her weaknesses. This was my mother who loved me unconditionally. Who made me everything I am and everything I am is what I will give. This is her story told through the pain of her daughter.
January 4th, 2008 was undoubtedly the most devastating day of life. We found out on that day, that the woman who had never been hospitalized and who never took an aspirin for a headache was dying from a rare form of cancer. The devil entered her body as Cholangiocarcinoma. She suffered antagonizing pain for six months with hope and faith rushing through her veins. Standing on a promise that she will overcome her suffering with a limitless admiration that “I will be okay.”
Losing her was the greatest gift. During her last days, she gave me and abundance of memories that will be cherished for a lifetime. Her lessons could never be taught by any teacher or at any Ivy League University. The permanent thoughts that have been instilled in my heart frequent my mind every day. My tragedy may be my triumph or it may be my failure. This journey may help me or it could hinder me. My path may lead me to a life of forgiveness or it can lead me to a life of resentment. However, it will lead me to a crossroads that could possibly surmount immeasurable contentment or hatred.
My candid emotions are my reality and your fallacy.