Sunday, June 27, 2010

Hey, Mama

Now I feel like it's things I gotta get
Things I gotta do just to prove to you
You was gettin' through, can the choir please
Give me a verse of "You are so beautiful to me"
Can't you see you're like a book of poetry?
Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni
Turn one page and there's my mommy
Hey, Mama
I wanna scream so loud for you
Cause I'm so proud of you
Let me tell you what I'm about to do
Hey, Mama
You know I love you so and I'll never let you go
I wrote this song just so you know
No matter where you go, my love is true

-Kanye West "Hey Mama"

Every summer gets difficult. Well, it's only the second year, but ya know. Let me stop, maybe you don't. Not everyone can empathize and that's okay. Just respect my feelings and emotions in the meantime. There is Mother's Day first, then she and my father's anniversary on June 15th, then there is the anniversary of her passing and followed by her birthday. Maybe I should've felt like this last year. I was too busy partying and celebrating life and this year, I am confined to four walls holding me at night and I hold her picture next to me as I sleep with my eyes open.

I find myself reliving the days that we spent with her. Like the day she first went into the hospital, December 24th, 2007 to the day she was diagnosed with cancer on January 7th, 2008, then there are other special dates in between there that brings me to the last week she was here. That's when the true pain begins. The 26th, they gave her 2 days to live. The priest came in to give her the Last Sacrament and as a family we said the rosary and fought like animals outside while she lay there, dying. As the next day brought more emotional pain for us and more physical pain for her. Her last night, I made a promise that she would get to her house and we did. She spent her last night, in her home, surrounded by everyone who loved her.

Now, here is the 28th of June. Today. The morning my dad woke the house up at 6:32AM with the news that she was breathing slow. She was beginning to take her last breaths. I immediately jumped in her bed, next to her. To hold her, to kiss her, to sing to her, to promise her that I would never fail her as a daughter. The look on her face when she passed scared me. She looked as though she was in pain. But, after she was cleaned and dressed in her favorite gown, she left with a smile on her face.

I get questioned all the time about what's the hardest about losing your mom? Of course every bit of you losing your mother is as horrific as it sounds. Every thought, every decision, every move I make, she is always on my mind. But, I must say that the hardest part of losing my best friend is realizing that two years have gone and I haven't heard her voice. I recall the first week after she passed. I said "It's been seven days. I haven't talked to her." That's the pain I feel every time I think of her. Every time, I feel like I need someone to talk to, and of course, I want it to be her, I have to remember that she is gone. No one will be able to understand the pain that stands behind that. So, to tell you what I feel in my heart, that hurt, how I suffer, is nothing compared to how it feels. To others, I am strong and I am told frequently of how much I'm admired for my strength. To me, I am not so strong, I am only being strong because I have no choice to be weak. And if I could give you my size 8 YSLs to walk in for a second, you may get a better understanding of who I am and why I am this way. Until then, I hope what I write is enough for now.

Mama, as your daughter, I am so proud of you. I think of the life you lived that was full of pain and betrayal, and I know now you have received the ultimate reward. I know you are happy and I am happy for you.


I'll never telllllll... said...

This bought tears to my eyes. Great job writing thru your pain. God bless you and I hope that when the days comes when I have to face this, I can have half the strength you do.

Renee290 said...


I just stumbled across your blog today and this post spoke to me. I lost my Mom April of 2009. I deal with that "Dang, I gotta tell Momma about (insert random happening in my life)" feeling everyday. I am not going to say I understand your feelings but I will say that your feelings and my feelings are closely aligned. I know that my mother would want me to be strong so being anything other than is unacceptable. Stay strong, Sis. =)

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Anonymous said...

Reading that brought back memories of my losing daddy. I sat at the hospital for a week straight. One day my mom asked me to take my brother home. I changed the channel to Wheel of Fortune, kissed him on his forehead and said "daddy I'll be right back". I made it to my brothers apartment when my mom called and told me that daddy had passed.

Ashley, I love the way you write. I, for one, cannot wait for you book.