Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Beautiful Tragedy: Confinement

"It had to be the worst day of my life. It was her second day of the two day life span the hospice nurse gave her. She was in a state of comatose and most importantly, I knew she was extremely uncomfortable in the current situation. Even though she could no longer speak, she would only communicate with me and I knew she heard everything that went on.

Everyone was literally at each others throat. A huge fight broke out outside of grandmother's house the night before. It was in-laws against blood. Grandmother no longer wanted daddy's and his family at her house to visit mom. What grandmother denied was how much her in-laws loved her. It was an unconditional love that she could not give to her own daughter. She had a sharp bitterness for everyone that gave her the kind of love she longed for. Dad was just the opposite, but one in the same. He justified the damage he caused her with his unconditional love. Everyone from dad to my brother and sister, and her mom and sisters where carrying so much guilt for either abusing or abandoning her at her worst times, they all were fighting to be there til her last breath. But, they were going about it selfishly.

I was playing the fence. I wanted to give everyone the chance to pay their respects I wanted peace for mom. I wanted to give her all she desired until it was over. But, at the moment it was so hard, I couldn't do anything. It was like everyone turned against me. All of my aunts, my dad, my brother and sister, were all pointing the finger at me for everything. I couldn't understand if I was the only one being selfless, what am i doing wrong?

For twelve hours, me and mom sat in the living room at her mothers house, being watched like we were in prison. I didnt eat, brush my teeth, drink anything the whole day. We just sat there, looking at each other, me praying, gazing into her eyes as she would gaze into mine. I made my decision, I whispered in her ear, "I have a surpirse for you today. If you can just hold on a little longer, I'm going to take you on a trip." She looked at me and gave me the deepest sigh of relief.

The ambulance ride was tough. I was afraid that it was too much for her already fragile body. We were only blocks away from our destination. I can still see the fright in her eyes and face. I talked to her and ran my fingers through her hair, saying "We're almost there!! You're doing so good!!" I could tell she was fighting so hard to stay with me."

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