The "Act"of Forgiveness

Sometimes I feel

Like a door with no key

and all the answers are locked away in me

and they're so hard to find

especially when I feel lost and so blind

But that's a lonley road to travel

and a heavy load to bear

and it's a long, long way to heaven

but I gotta get there

Can you send me an angel

please send me an angel

to guide me

Cause I don't wanna feel

Like a dove with no wings

And I don't wanna know

What a heart of stone sings

But that's a lonley road to travel

and a heavy load to bear

and it's a long, long way to heaven

but I gotta get there

-Alicia Keys "Angel"

After an eventful last couple of weeks and celebrating my 26th birthday, I have come to the realization that there are things in my life that need to be evaluated. Relationships, attitudes and personality adjustments, using my time accordingly, and so on. Truth be told, I was (am) stuck in a form of complacency, and struggling to get out. Contrary to some peoples FaceBook statuses and Twitter updates, life aint all roses- ALL THE TIME.

While I am not so fond of now saying or hearing "I'm in my late twenties", there are things at my age I should(nt) be doing, should(nt) have, and knowing the who's and what's I still need in my life. When I'm not trying to find peace of mind, I am being the personal assistant, life coach, and ATM to close friends and family, I'm trying to finish my project. Along this long journey, I am also learning how to forgive. Since I am not a huge fan of lying (to God), so instead of me lying and saying I have forgven, I'd rather be honest to myself and Him, and just say I'm not ready. I am sure He appreciates my honesty, undoubtedly, he knows me best. I always understood the concept of forgiving, it's just something that my mind wouldn't let me heart do. I can't quite decide if that is something I am completely (forgiving ALL) ready to do, but I am ready to take the initiative. I am not so much bitter as I am angry and resentful. My struggle with forgiveness affects 75% of my relationships with my immediate family and close friends. They may NEVER know that I have not forgiven them thus far. No matter how much anger I have for someone that I have not forgiven, I can still have a relationship with these persons based on how much I genuinely care and love them.

The question(s) that haunts me are am I half ass forgiving if I continue a relationship with others? Is it healthy? Or is it that my anxiety has escalated to Separation Anxiety, where I can't separate myself from those who have hurt me? Or am I just too damn nice? I know that by not forgiving and continuing to keep said people/ things in my life can be detrimental, it would be my own fault if I continued to get hurt. I don't want to feel like I am only forgiving those for my own selfish reasons. I know that forgiving is the right thing and I have been forgiven so many times for my wrongs, but I just have to find my voice of reason. Possibly, it makes sense to keep such tragic events on my heart and mind for the moment. It leads to great "a ha" moments and unevitably a great book, where hopefully the ending  "a ha" moment will then be me forgiving.

I know when to stop, I just dont know when to let go. However, I do know there is a difference between the two.

Dramatic Cunt Rant

Today is one of those days where everyone is on my Shit List. I can't seem to think how the people that I love and support have such a hard time reciprocating that gesture. I am by far a selfish person with my wealth. My wealth being my finances, materialistics, creativity, thoughts, love, or anything positive that I possess greater than others. When I help others, it's because I want to. And for what I reap, it's an immeasurable blessing and benefit. However, I have constantly been shitted on in the past and in the present, and I am about sick of it.

I wrote a blog months ago about supporting your peers. I generally want everyone to win, especially the underdogs. I have supported numerous bull shit business ventures by people because I love when someone is ambitious. Then ambition turns to greed, I immediately want to renege my support. When you have your heart and mind set on something to improve your and others lives, and when the money is coming in like you want, you want to jump into something else that requires more support from me. You trying to wear too many hats and it aint gon' work. These are Jacks of all Trades and Masters of None. Genuine support is hard to come by, and I would appreciate that if I support you, you do the same for me. I have passed so many ideas on to others and have not been properly thanked (support) for. Not to mention, I have discussed my own personal ideas to others to have them SHITTED on and then STOLEN. From now on, I will NOT discuss anything in the future to anyone, nor will I give up my "connect" to anyone. You need something? You go through me or find your own way out. It seems as if that's what I have to do now.

I hate asking for favors anyway. People will say anything and with me it's unnecessary. You can't do somethiing to help me, say that. Don't have me waiting in the dust because you said you can get something done. I can google shit if I wanted, but since you said (without me asking), that you can have it done, and you can't give me results. Just say no. Its okay to reply to my email, with a "No, I am sorry." or "Bitch, I don't work for free!" I totally GET IT. I believe in principle. It can be a favor for a favor, it can be purchased, whatever, I get it. What you don't get is that you can lose out on the biggest blessing by not wanting to help someone else. It doesn't hurt to help- FOR FREE. The sad part is that certain people in my life who deserve what I can offer may not get because I will be extremely selective on what and who I chose to help. Sprinkling Glitter (offering support and motivation) to someone every damn day is starting to be the downfall of my life. I am giving you want I can give to myself. I give you a fucking great idea and there you go. What do I have left for myself? Tears.

There are so many people out there that I don't even know personally or have even met, that send me more motivation than the people I "know". And to those wonderful people, you can get have all of my glitter. As for the others, I can be the "go-to" person for your benefit, but I can't ask you for shit? Seriously, tho? Please evaluate your life. Better yet, let me evaluate mine.

Now that felt good.

Check My Credits, Heaux.

After taking my normal "Stroll on the Blog Walk" yesterday morning, I posted "Complex Obsession: GianMarco Lorenzi" on here. Then after that, I continued whoring onto twitter to link my post. Just then, an updated tweet with a link to a popular gossip site about the same shoes I posted with similar commentary. Okay, coincidence, maybe. Then, I noticed below that post was a post regarding Shaquille O'neal and ex-wife Shaunie that was stating the same shit I posted months ago. Now a coincidence? Hell Nawl. While, I was flattered to have thought that maybe, just maybe this popular blogger was stanning for Lady Complex on the side line, I also didn't want to feel like someone just straight up raped me for my writing(s). I went on a rant on twitter, just to make sure I wasn't trippin'. However, most did agree that the posts were way to similar, and too close together.

 This type of mess happens in the blogosphere, typically with celebrity gossip bloggers. While I am not against them, I do read some on a daily, it's just not my thing. I have stated numerous times before that I don't "do" gossip, and just because I don't name drop, I do know people and I could kill it if I wanted to.  The "Celebrity" thing? Not me. When I get info, I got it from the horses mouth. I dont speak on here say. And if I chose to speak on something pertaining to "gossip" (ie, Shaq and Shaunie), I will speak on it generally, and trust my info is CORRECT. I'm not looking for a "sponsor" so I dont need celeb gossip to bring me fame. I'm going to work hard for this shit...and not sell ass doing so. But, since I am not a gossip blogger, I didn't think my shit was up for grabs.

It's a known fact that bigger bloggers will take smaller bloggers stories and use it as their own. It's ridiculous because these same "Brand" bloggers were exactly where we (so many dope bloggers I know) are now. Fighting for notarity and accolades. But those who continuously bicker with others about stealing pictures or giving due credit and links, don't do the same for others. They probably go on thinking that since I'm a No Name Brand (generic) Blogger, no one is checkin' for me. Chile, boom. Blogging is hard work, especially when you are a writer-type blogger. No one can just jump into this thinking its so easy. They for one should know this.

I mean, I could've said something directly. I hope this shit doesnt happen again with this particular hussy. Then, yes, I'mma get out my box and get direct with a mofo. Until time shows it's ugly ass (again), I'm going to continue to blog about what matters to me and vouch for my fellow No Name Brand Bloggers.

 FYI: I will cut a heaux about my shit.

Complex Obsession: GianMarco Lorenzi

If you find yourself obsessing over these, jump on twitter and stalk @RubeisSOrude's whole life on the boardwalk. After the BBM convo you can read below, i jumped on google and found that the shoes are located at Gregory's Shoes. Who would've known? Gregory's is known to be the whoring plateau for all the mistresses in the great state of Texas. How do I know? Let's just say I know my hoeshit, and years ago (in Dallas) before I became a domesticated Lady of Leisure, I used to...well, ya know. And not to mention, Gregory's is a part of the Illuminati. But instead of paying the whopping $2795 pricetag, which would consist of me selling ass via Craigslist, moving to ATL and performing pole tricks at Magic City on Monday's or becoming someone's concubine so I can live my entire life in these joobies. Until then, I'll settle for buying a pump from Aldo and buying all the rhinestones and hot glue in stock at Hobby Lobby.

BBM Conversation:

 Ruby: GET.INTO.THESE.NOW!!!!!

Lady Complex: Bitch, what! Where? Who?!!

Ruby: Dis-fucking-gusting. I wann live my whole life in those.

Lady Complex: Who are those for? OMG. I need them. Names. Brand, something!

Ruby: Hold on let me check.

Lady Complex: Please!

Ruby: GianMarco Lorenzi, limited edition. But, check the rest of his collection.

Lady Complex: Fuckkkkkkkk

Ruby: =(

Twitter @Replies:

@LadyComplex: @RubeisSORude omg them shoes are like so expensive.

@RubeisSORude: @LadyComplex How much?

@LadyComplex: @RubeisSORude those are 2800.

@LadyComplex: @RubeisSORude id have to live my whole life in them shoes. they more than my rent.

@RubeisSORude: @LadyComplex 3, 4 mths of rent, shit! I'd be living my whole life in them LITERALLY. At Wal-Mart, church, Sonic, the park, EVERYWHERE in 'em

@BaddBoogie: @LadyComplex LAWD !! #jesusbeasugadaddy

@RPinHD: @LadyComplex @rubeissorude Looks like SOMEBODY needs to take a good Stafford loan out.

@smashedthehomie: @LadyComplex UH THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

@EbonyKeira: @LadyComplex I would get pregnant AND deliver my baby in those shoes.

@RPinHD: @smashedthehomie @RubeisSORude @LadyComplex I'd sell sperm for those shoes, and I don't even do drag.

@LadyComplex: i may blog about these. hmmmm.

@RubeisSORude: @LadyComplex Blog about how I gotta get on the pole to get monnay to get them hoes #realniggasdorealshit

Elle, Oh Elle: Take the Poll

In the wake of acronyms being used in every conversation inside of an inbox, the LOLs, OMGs, and POWs have drowned my ears and now my eyes. Not only have people started using these in verbal conversations, they have found a way to use as "branding" for themselves. And where else did I go to witness these monstrousities? InDMix.com

Since, I am the Social Bitterfly International, I normally get my "social fix" through this uber popular club website, although I can only take viewing in doses. Sometimes I can only take one link a day, frankly it's too much at one damn time. My pupils begin to burn after being tortured by a plethora of American Apparel, Michael Jordans, lacefronts and blue contacts. No shade to the photographers, for they are there to give proof to how cunty and outright wrong some of you are. Depends on what parties you want to bare witness to, you may find a few gems in the bunch. But, that's here nor there. Lately, I've been peeping flicks of men, donning garments reading "OMG..." , and another shirtless man with glasses that have "POW" etched in cursive on each lens.  *Reverts to Shallow, Mean Girl *

Seriously tho?

Am I missing something?

Did someone not CC me on the memo?

 Who makes this okay- for men?

Isn't there sort of informal "Man Law" where men should not use smileys at the end of their texts, tweets, facebook statuses?

Can we add to that "Probihits the use of POW!, Owww, OMG"?

I need answers.

I would never want to question anyone's manhood, I know my place. Some men should definitely question their lifestyle and furthur more, their existance. Just when I thought I had enough with men wearing 12 chains at one time (they neck be itching), this shit here comes along. But, someone else has to see that something is wrong with this. As a female I cant say that your friends didn't try to stop you cause some mofo's are so adamant about looking like a plum fool than trying to heed good advice. I've just learned that some people love to be whack. That's what they live for. Being "different" has come to be what's normal in and what was the norm is somewhat odd. I may not be so fashion forward now, but I damn sure know what is WRONG.  Fuck that, I'll stay normal.

Throw me on the "Hater Bus".  Like I care. Matter of fact, just do us a favor and add yourself to the bottom of my "Don't Give a Fuck" list. Coin me the Queen of Subliminal Messages cause I could've posted pics, but I'm not photoshop savvy. Anyhow, I gave you all the directions to find these coof-a-boofs.  Plus, I'm not to big on throwing THAT much shade. It's bad enough there is a rapper that shuns women based on how "cheap" her shoes are. Questionable, no? I mean, how do you know my shirt came from Forever 21? I only grant those priviledges to the men who play on my team *Snaps*

People play with their life and my emotions to much. Chile, Boom.