Monday, April 26, 2010

The "Act"of Forgiveness

Sometimes I feel
Like a door with no key
and all the answers are locked away in me
and they're so hard to find
especially when I feel lost and so blind
But that's a lonley road to travel
and a heavy load to bear
and it's a long, long way to heaven
but I gotta get there
Can you send me an angel
please send me an angel
to guide me
Cause I don't wanna feel
Like a dove with no wings
And I don't wanna know
What a heart of stone sings
But that's a lonley road to travel
and a heavy load to bear
and it's a long, long way to heaven
but I gotta get there
-Alicia Keys "Angel"

After an eventful last couple of weeks and celebrating my 26th birthday, I have come to the realization that there are things in my life that need to be evaluated. Relationships, attitudes and personality adjustments, using my time accordingly, and so on. Truth be told, I was (am) stuck in a form of complacency, and struggling to get out. Contrary to some peoples FaceBook statuses and Twitter updates, life aint all roses- ALL THE TIME.

While I am not so fond of now saying or hearing "I'm in my late twenties", there are things at my age I should(nt) be doing, should(nt) have, and knowing the who's and what's I still need in my life. When I'm not trying to find peace of mind, I am being the personal assistant, life coach, and ATM to close friends and family, I'm trying to finish my project. Along this long journey, I am also learning how to forgive. Since I am not a huge fan of lying (to God), so instead of me lying and saying I have forgven, I'd rather be honest to myself and Him, and just say I'm not ready. I am sure He appreciates my honesty, undoubtedly, he knows me best. I always understood the concept of forgiving, it's just something that my mind wouldn't let me heart do. I can't quite decide if that is something I am completely (forgiving ALL) ready to do, but I am ready to take the initiative. I am not so much bitter as I am angry and resentful. My struggle with forgiveness affects 75% of my relationships with my immediate family and close friends. They may NEVER know that I have not forgiven them thus far. No matter how much anger I have for someone that I have not forgiven, I can still have a relationship with these persons based on how much I genuinely care and love them.

The question(s) that haunts me are am I half ass forgiving if I continue a relationship with others? Is it healthy? Or is it that my anxiety has escalated to Separation Anxiety, where I can't separate myself from those who have hurt me? Or am I just too damn nice? I know that by not forgiving and continuing to keep said people/ things in my life can be detrimental, it would be my own fault if I continued to get hurt. I don't want to feel like I am only forgiving those for my own selfish reasons. I know that forgiving is the right thing and I have been forgiven so many times for my wrongs, but I just have to find my voice of reason. Possibly, it makes sense to keep such tragic events on my heart and mind for the moment. It leads to great "a ha" moments and unevitably a great book, where hopefully the ending  "a ha" moment will then be me forgiving.

I know when to stop, I just dont know when to let go. However, I do know there is a difference between the two.

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