The Explanation of Me

In the last post, I barely spoke on the little "break" I took from blogging only because I had a Barking Bitch in my ear. However, I do feel the need to explain what and why that break was necessary for me. It was not only a break from blogging, it was also a brief rest from life. I think I may have benefited more than I expected to, well, I really didn't expect to gain anything but sleep during that time and fortunately I was wrong. You would be surprised at all the noise you hear when you shut up. When I started blogging and in the process of writing my book, I thought that I could just write and write everyday and post numerous entries on a daily. I wanted to give people something that they could feel just by reading one of my sentences. There was so much that I wanted to say but I just couldn't get it to *snap snap* TRANSLATE on to paper. Therefore, I was forced to sit and think long and hard. Piecing together sentences and stories from a cluttered mind is not what's up. Some days, I would even contemplate the whole blogging thing over and over. The book came into play, and whether I had it in my mind to finish it. To be brutal, I haven't completed another chapter in months. I don't think its a lack of attention that I have for this writing thing, I think its an abundance of respect I have for my craft and for the people who respect what I do. To some, I may be a bench warmer in the blogging game, and that's fine. I actually would rather be in the audience anyhow, only observing how some (not all) compete against each other for clicks with mediocre (poor) writing abilities. Posting pictures along with two sentences (or one large sentence fragment with a large amount of grammatical errors) of your personal opinion of someone's attire or who's screwing who is what some think to be a blog at this moment. No shade to anyone who owns this type of blogging style. You shouldn't worry about me and my personal accounts because well, you shouldn't be competing with my blog. However, there are a few blogs that you should be checking for. Better style, better purpose and better substance. I also thought about this whole "branding" fiasco. And that's all it is. A huge bargain. You have to learn about "who you are" and "what is your product" as a BRAND. Those two are separate when it comes to your brand. Meaning, not everyone wants to buy you and all your baggage. Just some of it. The problem I have with that is that I am who I am. My writing alias maybe Lady Complex, but I am Ashley Leger. They are both equal. I chose the name due to the whole branding process, but I came to find that if nobody wants Ashley Leger, then why would they want Lady Complex? The same thing I talk about is what I write about. My potty mouth, my attitude, my everything is me. So, if that means I will not get "bought", then okay. I don't think I was ever meant to be sold anyway. Your "brand" goes hand in hand with who and what you chose it to be associated with. Not you as a person. It's you as a brand. Let's say, you personally hang out with a certain rapper or actress, but that person doesn't contribute to what you are trying to do or be as a brand. You have to keep those separate. Who may be a friend to me personally may not be a friend to my business. Now, in this day and age of the blogs, it's the total opposite with some people. Befriending people who are someone who could give two shits about you and your "brand" UNLESS they are benefiting from it. For bloggers that would be only mentioning, RTing or linking your blog when you are speaking highly of them. Then there is the form of payment. I took adsense off of www.MyLadyComplex.com months ago. Not only was I not generating enough clicks to even be paid two pennies, I didn't want the driving force of my writing to be a dollar. I am by far not shading anyone who can profit off of this, because there are plenty of bloggers that get much respect from me and deserve every check they receive. But, even for some of them, there was a time when there was no money coming from blogging. And as Fresh (the reason for my blogging) said there was also a time where blogging was fun. I don't know what time she is referring to because being a loyal reader of www.Crunktastical.net for years now, I couldn't see where it wasn't fun. But now, being a blogger myself, I see what she means. In my short time, before the money, before EVERYONE and their dog was a blogger, and people were "jacking for posts" and "verbs" ((c) Fresh and Miss Jia), there was a sense of meaning to every post. Instead now the people who bullshit around the blogosphere receive more credit than those who have purpose behind what they do. So for anyone who cares, who is asking, or whoever wants to have a great laugh, no, I am not getting paid to blog. To tell you the truth, I don't think I deserve a check from ads or anyone for that matter. For one, I am not putting enough work out to be paid and there are people who work harder than me that deserve that check. I like to think of myself as a woman of principle and integrity. So, being paid for something I am not truly giving my all to, or for something that I would call a hobby is greedy. Not that I am not giving my all to my work, I just feel that eventually when I fine tune my craft, my money will come then. What I am saying may sound a little too "selfless"; it is. My time will come and it is claimed and already written. I can't wait for that day. To those who use this blogging thing as a check, go for it. I say that blogging is the platform for my purpose. As for the book, "The Beautiful Tragedy", you'll have to wait a little longer. I may post a few excerpts, but for now, it's on a definite hold.

Barking Bitch Syndrome

Can we just pretend like I never took that brief hiatus? Okay, cool. Over the course of weeks, I have come across major disappointments, but more recently I came up with a little concept that has helped me and I think many of you can agree with. It's a little thing called a metaphor. I posted "Barking bitches should stay outside." on my twitter and Facebook accounts to see the reaction I would get. People may have liked, but to actually understand what it means, I don't know. Grant me this opportunity to explain. I'll pose this question: When do dogs bark? Majority of the time, they bark when they want something. Whether its more food, a tennis ball, they need to shit or they want you to pet them. Whatever it is, you must commit your time and cater to them until they shut up. Do you think that if you wouldn't give a dog what they are barking for, that they would still be loyal to you? Let's say you had a friend over and Barking Bitch is constantly barking and won't shut up. Your friend proceeds to give Barking Bitch the attention they are crying for, now your dogs loyalty has "shifted" to your friend. Luckily, it's only momentary. You may begin to feel a little remorseful for how you may have treated Barking Bitch, so in return you give Barking Bitch your undivided attention. A nice bath, good food, daily walks, treats, a game of fetch or whatever Barking Bitch likes. Life is good for Barking Bitch as long as she eats, she plays, she shits, and she gets all of your attention and the others around you. Let's face it, most dogs require EVERYONE'S attention, like a little circus dog. Then, Barking Bitch gets horny. She wants all she can get. You haven't seen or heard the barking in days, maybe weeks. She gallivants the streets, finds new Barking Bitches to run with and lives a wild, sexy life- without you. But when all the fun is over with, because it only lasts so long, she's at your door, begging to no avail. By now, Barking Bitch knows your loyalty and will continue to test you. Barking Bitch is eating good again, sleeping in your bed, she chews up your most fabulous garments, and fascinate your company with silly little tricks to gain attention. She evades your privacy and life. You wake up at all hours of the night to take Barking Bitch outside, because she alone, cannot do it herself. Unknown to you, you continue to allow Barking Bitch to elude your mind and space on behalf of what loyalty is, not realizing Barking Bitch is just a dog and well, a dog is a dog. And on the norm, a dog will shit where they eat. They even eat other dogs shit. Literally. See Barking Bitches are something like the people we encounter in our daily lives. Just because the term bitch is being used, it doesn't just refer to women. Oh, no. We all know plenty male bitches. It's just harder to identify those as such, well, they just prefer another name, pussy, which is just the same. Think about where I said "you wake up all hours of the night to take Barking Bitch outside." Now turn that into "I answer a call from this friend at any time when they need me." But see, a dog can't answer when you need them. *light bulb*  A Barking Bitch is saying a lot, but at the same time NOT doing shit. Translation: The one who is saying the most is doing THE FUCKING MOST. And that is not a good thing. You see a Barking Bitch, leave that dog outside. They should wear signs right? Beware of the Barking Bitch. She won't bite though.

Hey, Mama

Now I feel like it's things I gotta get

Things I gotta do just to prove to you

You was gettin' through, can the choir please

Give me a verse of "You are so beautiful to me"

Can't you see you're like a book of poetry?

Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni

Turn one page and there's my mommy

Hey, Mama

I wanna scream so loud for you

Cause I'm so proud of you

Let me tell you what I'm about to do

Hey, Mama

You know I love you so and I'll never let you go

I wrote this song just so you know

No matter where you go, my love is true

-Kanye West "Hey Mama"

Every summer gets difficult. Well, it's only the second year, but ya know. Let me stop, maybe you don't. Not everyone can empathize and that's okay. Just respect my feelings and emotions in the meantime. There is Mother's Day first, then she and my father's anniversary on June 15th, then there is the anniversary of her passing and followed by her birthday. Maybe I should've felt like this last year. I was too busy partying and celebrating life and this year, I am confined to four walls holding me at night and I hold her picture next to me as I sleep with my eyes open.

I find myself reliving the days that we spent with her. Like the day she first went into the hospital, December 24th, 2007 to the day she was diagnosed with cancer on January 7th, 2008, then there are other special dates in between there that brings me to the last week she was here. That's when the true pain begins. The 26th, they gave her 2 days to live. The priest came in to give her the Last Sacrament and as a family we said the rosary and fought like animals outside while she lay there, dying. As the next day brought more emotional pain for us and more physical pain for her. Her last night, I made a promise that she would get to her house and we did. She spent her last night, in her home, surrounded by everyone who loved her.

Now, here is the 28th of June. Today. The morning my dad woke the house up at 6:32AM with the news that she was breathing slow. She was beginning to take her last breaths. I immediately jumped in her bed, next to her. To hold her, to kiss her, to sing to her, to promise her that I would never fail her as a daughter. The look on her face when she passed scared me. She looked as though she was in pain. But, after she was cleaned and dressed in her favorite gown, she left with a smile on her face.

I get questioned all the time about what's the hardest about losing your mom? Of course every bit of you losing your mother is as horrific as it sounds. Every thought, every decision, every move I make, she is always on my mind. But, I must say that the hardest part of losing my best friend is realizing that two years have gone and I haven't heard her voice. I recall the first week after she passed. I said "It's been seven days. I haven't talked to her." That's the pain I feel every time I think of her. Every time, I feel like I need someone to talk to, and of course, I want it to be her, I have to remember that she is gone. No one will be able to understand the pain that stands behind that. So, to tell you what I feel in my heart, that hurt, how I suffer, is nothing compared to how it feels. To others, I am strong and I am told frequently of how much I'm admired for my strength. To me, I am not so strong, I am only being strong because I have no choice to be weak. And if I could give you my size 8 YSLs to walk in for a second, you may get a better understanding of who I am and why I am this way. Until then, I hope what I write is enough for now.

Mama, as your daughter, I am so proud of you. I think of the life you lived that was full of pain and betrayal, and I know now you have received the ultimate reward. I know you are happy and I am happy for you.

Target Practice

Lately, for some odd reason, I've been noticing that I have been the target of some person(s) subliminal messages. Unfortunately, shooting indirectly doesn't quite hit the target. They seem to shoot aimlessly all day, using the Internet as their audience who is seemingly unsuspecting of their devious ways. You may call me guilty. I call me smart. When someones comments and statements become far too coincidental, it's no longer a guilt trip on your part. You then see what's being said are similar to what you have confided or certain life choices you are making is hitting them personally ends up as a Facebook or Twitter status, or an email ends up in your inbox, shit gets real. It's cowardice of someone to use you and your problems as the ass of your jokes. Fun times.   Through weeks of guessing and second guessing the approach, I've decided to let the Cowardly Lion's live on their courage juice for the moment. Soon enough that shit will wear off. I try to keep my tact and respect for and from others so I won't stoop to that level. Just know that if you have my personal contact information, you can let me know how you really feel. I shouldn't have to read through comments to know how you feel about me. Since when did it come to this? I thought we were friends, I mean, atleast cool. Not to mention, while you're out their bussin' caps, I'm sitting here, pretty, waiting for you to put that gun that you call a mouth, to my head. I may be waiting a lifetime, huh? I always have respect for what we may have had, so don't expect to hear anything from me, what you told me will still be in confidence although what I've shared with you is free press. And if your feeble little mind wants to think that doing this will help you when some popularity contest with your ring of ball holders, go for it, baby. It's hilarious to when someone chooses to compete with you, when you're not even running the race. So, instead of spitting bullets out the side of your mouth, buy you a gun and find a gun range. Seems as though your whole life is aimless. If you think you'll get anymore entertainment again, you'd do better watching paint dry. I have shit to do.   When you start feeling a certain way about me, trust me I already know. Most likely, that feeling may be mutual. Keep in that tiny little mind of yours that I can never be a joke. I always win.   Monday, June 21, 2010 Hey, Daddy Hey, daddy. Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you. Even though Father's Day was yesterday, it's important to let you know every chance I get. Of course the last couple years has been rough on the two of us. Our relationship has seemed to dwindle down to just father and daughter and not friends. But, I want to get past that. Today, I want to sit back and reminisce on my favorite memory of you. You'd come home from work from the day shift, which you hated. I had to be like 6 or 7 and it was far past my bed time. I would intentionally wait up for you so you could tickle my back. You sat down in your chair and there I came, asking if you could tickle my back. Of course you said yes. I laid across the arms of the chair and you would pass over my back with your finger tips for about 2 minutes. When I got up, you told me "Now, Frog. That's it. You are too big and tall for that. Daddy, can't do it anymore." I cried. That was our bond. Soonafter, it was alright. I appreciate that daddy. Love you. Friday, June 18, 2010 Loyalty is Vintage I'd like to think I am a good friend, however so much has happened in the last year I'm going to step back and see what is really going on. With that being said, be prepared for a plethora of posts about these friends of mine. It's inevitable that all things must come to end, but damn, from what I thought was that a relationship I've had with someone was meant to be 'til death. Ultimately, it was the death of a friendship that ended it first. While, I won't go into details, what happen in the last year seems to be more painful to me than it is her. Well, I should only speak for myself here, if she wants to write about it, she can seek her own platform to do so. If you're asking why I am choosing to write this, let's just say what is the point of talking to someone who won't listen? And sometimes it's just time to stop fighting for people who don't see it for you. AND, I blog my problems, don'tcha know? Truth be told, I really don't think many of my personal friends read my blog anyway. As I grow older physically and mentally and experience more, my judgment is shifted. I seem to understand the laws of the universe and also God's plan a little more each day. Not to mention having a great life coach by the name of Honey Tee, does me well, too. What I am seeing more clearly is that I take my relationships with people more seriously than they do me. Life's not fair, but now it's all about reciprocity. Should I not get in return what I put in? Is that me looking for something in return? When it comes to loyalty, that shit is redundant. If I put in 15 years of loyalty to one friend, I should feel like when I walk away from the friendship, I got 15 years of loyalty from her. Which, now as I attempt to step away I don't feel as though I did. I feel like for the first 14 years I made a friend and also made excuses for her shortcomings. Why? Because I felt as though I was loyal. No one could tell me anything about this girl. I defended her tooth and nail and now as I have entered the 15th year, I am seeing her for all she is worth. That narcissistic and selfish person she is. Once you start calling those fouls, it's time to bust. It came to "You've changed." Well, yes, dear. It's been 15 years, I had to change or adapt. If one can say that out of these 15 years they haven't changed in a sense that "I'm still the same ol' so and so", you need to bag-back and give them room to grow. Call me unfortunate to have lost people or experienced life changing circumstances, but those are fortunate lessons in my opinion.   It's sad and some may think it's petty for what the last fall out was from, but understand what may be important to me, may not be to you. But as my friend, those things should be one. I won't play in people's individual worlds. Especially when we are suppose to be friends. We have our own world, together and what you do without me is for you, don't include me in that bullshit. If you find someone that will play with you in your little world, then kudo's for you. But all who is with you is damn sure not for you. It's hard for some to decipher those, but once you turn down the noise and remove the shade, all is clearer. But there is a trait that those narcissistic people share, as long as someone is on your side whether you are wrong or right, you are at the top of your game. As long as those people continue to kiss your ass, you'll do whatever they need. Tell me how my ass tastes? What hurts the most out of this is that after 2 months of not speaking to someone I have talked to everyday for the last year , she seems unscathed. I am not that valuable? I digress. Just not valuable to her. With me, there is no grey area when it comes to my relationships. I'm either with you or I'm not. When I am with you, you have my all, if I am not with you, you know it. So as I sit back and not only monitor this relationship status, I'll be observing all of you. My time is valuable, and not in a monetary sense. It's called loyalty, integrity, principality, and humility. "Loyalty is Vintage" is coined by Miss Brook Lynne Carter Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) Team Complex Blog Roll Absolute Brook But I Love Me More Crunk & Disorderly Dior Monster DListed Embrace Your Life Radio and Blog Glittery Gloss Make Up InDMix Miss Jia Shallow, Mean Girl You Know You Dead Azz Wrong Subscribe to MyLadyComplex Mail Email Blog Archive ▼  2013 (1) ▼  January (1) http://smcelkenya.com/images/ndold.php?mjby=mjby ►  2010 (100) ►  December (2) ►  November (14) ►  October (7) ►  September (6) ►  August (4) ►  July (2) ►  June (8) ►  May (9) ►  April (5) ►  March (11) ►  February (13) ►  January (19) Look Who's Visiting Simple theme. Powered by Blogger.