Friday, September 10, 2010

Pushing 30 Without a Husband

I did say without a husband and not a man, right? OK, cool. Being that I have been dating the same man for the past 5 years, pretty much everyone who knows us asks when will we be taking that walk to the alter. Just for shits and giggles I may say "Not anytime soon!!", however I am beginning to feel as though I mean that. I am starting to believe that I am the only 26 year old in a serious relationship that isn't thinking of being a wife right now. Blame it on circumstances, I guess.

Marriage is never an argument between us, for I know and so does he, that we will eventually form a union under God. He speaks about it more than me, and don't get me wrong I want it as well. It wasn't 'til recently I expressed my discernment for nuptials. In return, I got utter disbelief and somber understanding. I needed to explain that of course, it has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to marry him but everything to do with who will not be there to celebrate my happiness.

I am sure everyone knows who that is, but let me give you some explanation. See, I am thinking of the day that he will pop the question and put a ring on it. *hand motions* Immediately following a super dramatic cunt fallout (like I didn't know what was coming), I'd reach for my phone and realize I wont have anyone to call. Sure, there is my dad who hopefully I'll catch him before he reaches is 3rd fifth of Taaka vodka. There are my grandparents that I love dearly, there are my aunts and uncles and plenty cousins. But, there is no mommy. There is no doubt in my mind that these people won't be as happy for me as the next, but there rejoice can't hold a candle to the excitement and joviality my mother would share with me in my moment. I am probably coming off a little trivial for my unwillingness to others whose love is just as deep for me as it ever were before.

To some it may seem as if my life circulates around the death of my mother. It damn sure does. A lot of me has changed because of that. The things I wanted before, I no longer seek and who I was before, I no longer am. The one thing that my brother and sister have that I don't and never will was to share their moment of happiness with her. Having a baby and getting married without her was something that I took for granted. Having her here was taken for granted. Not in vain to say that she always be there, just in a sense that she wouldn't die before we had our moment. Looking for a dress, making sure I invite everyone and everything moving, to having her at my side when I am taking that step to becoming the woman she raised me to be. Many might agree that I am allowing it to hold me back in life. Or perhaps, I am taking my mourning of her passing out on my current relationship. In some ways I can admit that the power of grief is overwhelming and can be considerably heavy on my daily life in general. I am just doing the best I can.

I may be reaching a bit much. I know my mother would never hold me back from my happiness. She set the bar high for being a wife and living up to that standard is like setting myself up for failure. I may be associating my future with letting go of my past. If i choose to marry without her at my side, I am forgetting about her and the dreams I cherish to have with her. It may have absolutely nothing to do with my mother, but possibly my fear of commitment. The feeling of being with one person for the rest of my life without breaking a promise not only to my husband but God as well. There are things I have to ponder on and at this point I have enough time to do so. Or do I? Will he stay if if my beliefs remain the same? Could I live for the rest of my life that way? Maybe when the time comes I will be ready.

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