Dramatic Cunt Rant

Today is one of those days where everyone is on my Shit List. I can't seem to think how the people that I love and support have such a hard time reciprocating that gesture. I am by far a selfish person with my wealth. My wealth being my finances, materialistics, creativity, thoughts, love, or anything positive that I possess greater than others. When I help others, it's because I want to. And for what I reap, it's an immeasurable blessing and benefit. However, I have constantly been shitted on in the past and in the present, and I am about sick of it.

I wrote a blog months ago about supporting your peers. I generally want everyone to win, especially the underdogs. I have supported numerous bull shit business ventures by people because I love when someone is ambitious. Then ambition turns to greed, I immediately want to renege my support. When you have your heart and mind set on something to improve your and others lives, and when the money is coming in like you want, you want to jump into something else that requires more support from me. You trying to wear too many hats and it aint gon' work. These are Jacks of all Trades and Masters of None. Genuine support is hard to come by, and I would appreciate that if I support you, you do the same for me. I have passed so many ideas on to others and have not been properly thanked (support) for. Not to mention, I have discussed my own personal ideas to others to have them SHITTED on and then STOLEN. From now on, I will NOT discuss anything in the future to anyone, nor will I give up my "connect" to anyone. You need something? You go through me or find your own way out. It seems as if that's what I have to do now.

I hate asking for favors anyway. People will say anything and with me it's unnecessary. You can't do somethiing to help me, say that. Don't have me waiting in the dust because you said you can get something done. I can google shit if I wanted, but since you said (without me asking), that you can have it done, and you can't give me results. Just say no. Its okay to reply to my email, with a "No, I am sorry." or "Bitch, I don't work for free!" I totally GET IT. I believe in principle. It can be a favor for a favor, it can be purchased, whatever, I get it. What you don't get is that you can lose out on the biggest blessing by not wanting to help someone else. It doesn't hurt to help- FOR FREE. The sad part is that certain people in my life who deserve what I can offer may not get because I will be extremely selective on what and who I chose to help. Sprinkling Glitter (offering support and motivation) to someone every damn day is starting to be the downfall of my life. I am giving you want I can give to myself. I give you a fucking great idea and there you go. What do I have left for myself? Tears.

There are so many people out there that I don't even know personally or have even met, that send me more motivation than the people I "know". And to those wonderful people, you can get have all of my glitter. As for the others, I can be the "go-to" person for your benefit, but I can't ask you for shit? Seriously, tho? Please evaluate your life. Better yet, let me evaluate mine.

Now that felt good.

You'll Get More Bee's With Honey

I really wanted title this "You'll Get More Twat With the Truth", but that's just the cunt in me. Anyheaux, if we gave every man who lied to us our cookies, we'd have more miles on us than an '84 Cutlass Supreme.  We (women and some men) have experienced our share of being lied to just for the sole purpose of getting our pannies. My point here is, we probably would be more giving if the men were a little bit more honest.
What is so hard about about speaking honestly to someone, in this case, who is not officially "yours"? Say you are just casual or maybe even dating, but the thought of sex is definitely in the air. You are not obligated to this person, so why lie?  Most of my experience is that men believe that if you don't ask him a specific question or a question at all, if they don't tell you, they are not lying. Peep the scenario:

Me: You have a girlfriend?

He: No.

Me: Are you dating anyone.

He: You.

This would seem to be a straight to the point convo, right? Uh uh. He failed to say that he was trying things out with a past "light switch" ex. Or that he was engaged, or married, or dating someone other than you. But since you didnt ask the specific "Are you married?" or another detailed question, he didn't answer accordingly. "They are only answering the questions you asked." BSTFUH. What part of the game is that? An honest man is a rare commodity, and many women may find your candid truth attractive. And ladies, you really wanna know how he feels? Truth Serum is a biatch.

In my opinion, we would be more willing to have sex with someone who we had trust in, despite a situation. Being lied to is being mislead. If you lied to me about where you ate dinner, who's to say you haven't lied to me about your who you slanging "d" to on a regular? Give me the opportunity to decide if I want to further the relationship after you told me the truth. After all, it is you in the wrong.  

By the way, there is no vice-versa on this subject for men, y'all are willing to beat our back in even when we are lying to you.

Twitter + Celebs = Whoring for (any) Publicity

Twitter is the Boulevard of all things whore(ish, ing, ed). So it's no suprise when celebs hand the media the hammer bash their lives. I could careless of what regla folks post on Twitter, but I do have a problem with celebs posting, in this case, break-ups.

So here we have an accomplished singer and her baby-daddy/ failed rapper/one hit (was it even a hit?) wonder. The hoods mainstream media source, MTO (ugh), is reporting a break-up between the two, due to...wait for it...INFIDELITY! I could see if CNN or even MTV was reporting the split, but no. I guess any publicity is good publicity. After the reports hit the net, the singer took to her Twitter to thank her fans for their love and support and shamelessy, but indirectly confirmed the break-up. Now, she isn't the only celebrity to take over twats' timelines to rant about relationships, so stans- GET BACK. Lawd knows, I try to stray away from celeb gossip, so I am going to address this generally, of course, all in IMO.

When you are in the process of a break up, it's a lot harder to discuss candidly because your emotions are in rare form. Why call someone or your current "happenings" out if you don't know where you will stand in the next day or so? Then you may have to retract some statements you made, ie "We worked it all out and we will be together forever!" What part of the game is that? When celebs do things like this, the first thing that runs through my mind is "Ummm, doesnt she/he have someone else to talk to about this? Like, off Twitter?" Regla folk does it too. Y'all know your friend who changes their Facebook relationship status every hour on the hour. Frankly, I am too embarrassed to address publically (my friends) a possible break up, until after. I still need time to decide if I'm gonna get back with the fool or not. This saves my pretty little face more shame.

Now, post-break up bashing, I vote yes. After you have confirmed a definite break up, go for it. Lawd knows I'm guilty on all charges. Sure it's a form a bitter revenge, but it's also fun, too. Just make sure you do it tactfully (if that's possible) and address the person indirectly. If they're smart enough, they'll figure it out anyway.

Conquering All Fears

As I conquer the smaller goals I have placed, I think of the future I could have. In order to be more successful, I have to conquer my fears as well. As we all know, one of my huge fears, or as I like to call it, my anchor, is being social. With the help of my dear friend Terry Thierry, I am on a "Social Mission". In order to find my place in the blogosphere, I must find my place in an off-the-internet type social setting. Yes, Lady Complex will be live and in the flesh.

For those who know me personally, I am far from shy and knowing me is loving me. I've been told there is no "grey area", nor is their a "hate area". Sounds so beautiful, but that's when the anchor holds me down. I am not initially personable, to anyone. I am approachable, but not the approaching one. I believe I come off controlling and dominating due to my strong personality and some people dont take well to that type of approach. In a normal social setting, if no one initiates a conversation with me, we'll be sitting there silent. I am cordial and acknowledge all who is around me, but that's my limit. For so long, I just summed it all up to some people have it (personality) and some people don't. But that's not all true. I have it, I just don't want to use it. Or let's now say, I didn't want to use it- in the past.

What does this mean? Me, blooming into a social butterfly, stepping out on life and on faith, and letting my guard down. I am excited, I mean, I want to meet new people. And yes, I am ready to meet new people. I've been living in Houston for 4 years now, I should've meet more people than I have. I no longer want to be skeptical of people and possible motives, cause frankly, I don't want anyone to be skeptical of me. I just wanna live and be LIVE! For what was holding me down for so long, hopefully will be no more.

When I began the site, I set small goals so I dont aim for much to only fail, successfully. So far, so wonderful. Which is why I take so much pride into my work. I only want to write about things that are true to me and what I believe. Although some may not agree, but I wanted to create a space for those who can agree to disagree. As for those who will call their followers fans, I'd rather treat mine with more respect to call them "supporters". Is there a difference? To me, yes. But, dont ask me to explain, it only makes sense to me. *wink*

Just when I think I can't take anymore and I feel the need for a spontaneous vacay from civilization, I recieve an email, text or tweet from one of my supporters who tell me how much they appreciate my writing. Then some mornings, I'll recieve an email from a website/ blog offering me a guest entry on their site. It's a complete accomplishment to feel needed in what some may call life. If I want sh** done the way I want it done, I need to get to talking. I can imagine the limitless opportunities I can recieve if I just open up.

Let me honor my calling by conquering this fear and retract my anchor.

Divine Confirmations

Throughout my entire life, I always felt like I had some sort of spritual connection to the after life. I am not clear why and how I actually feel when it hits me, but it's almost like a breath of fresh air when I do connect.  My dreams are filled with my loved ones who have passed, where they are always healthy, but for some reason they never speak. Almost as they are just looking out for me, guiding me on a path.

It first started the day after my grandfather passed. You know those dreams where they are like reality? Where I fell asleep, is where I woke up that he was walking through the door. He passed me a yellow post-it note that said "I'm sorry." Once I read it, I woke up trying to tell my family he was alive. But I quickly realized I was just dreaming. Since then, I have always felt like he was watching over me, but never near me.  Two days after I moved to Charlotte, NC, I crawled into bed, laid on my stomach and pulled the cover over half of my face. I heard footsteps coming closer towards me and an overwhelming cold wind came over me, whatever it was, it wouldn't let me turn around. As it came over me, I felt a sense of peace, like whoever this was, was only making sure I was okay. As the cold air went away, so did the footsteps. I called my mom to share my experience. I told her that for some reason I felt like it was grandpa. She reminded me it could be, I was his favorite that and that he probably didn't want to scare me. Funny because during my mom's illness and closer to her passing, she always said her father was watching her. He would never say anything, he was just standing there, on her left side. When she passed, her head was tilted to the left, where a picture of her dad had been for 8 years, looking at him. After that day, I never seen my grandpa or felt him near me. It's been her. I see her in my dreams all the time. Here and there, I'll find a card, or a picture or an item of sentiment that reminds me of her.

This past Saturday, I was driving home when Boyz II Men "Mama" came on the radio. I proceeded to dial her cell number. When I looked at my phone and it read "Mom Cell", I immediately hung up. Clearly, I had an out-of-body and mind experience. I couldn't contain myself. I cried all night. I begged for her to visit me in my dreams. She never came. Until this morning at work. My coworker was cleaning out an old desk and brought us a stack of folders and paperwork to go through and make sure it was nothing important. As we skimmed through the documents, I found this:

This is what I call a divine confirmation.

She faxed this to me on 12/13/2005. How amazing?

She answered.

I'm Emotional, and I Can't Let Go

My emotions change by the hour. I'm either extremely happy, extremely sad, or ridiculously mad. Either way, my emotions are making me a stronger woman. Normally, showing emotions "humanize" people, but breaking that barrier is hard. To some, showing emotions show vulnerability. Your emotions can definitely get the best of you, no matter how hard you try you can't control them. Cry now or cry later. You're gonna cry. Your emotions are yours and only yours. Emotions are the one thing that no one can take away from you.

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression along with borderline bipolar after I lost my mom makes me question my emotions at times. I don't know if I had these issues before her death, but it does make me wonder if I am only acting out on the absence of her? Like, would I be happy if she was here, or would I be the way that I am now? I think they are pretty logical questions but they serve as brainteasers because this is something I will never have the answers to.

I practice showing my emotions on a daily basis. I cry, I scream, laugh, frown, and even break shit (*whispers* that's my emotion for MAD). However I feel, I think you should know. When you find yourself at a crossroad with emotion, you should pick up a healthy habit to assist with dealing with them. Here's some suggestions.

-You're extremely happy? Get together with other happy people. Go shopping, go eat. Keep the mood going,

-You're sad? Call someone that has a positive outlook on situations. They can give you the "boost" you need.

-Mad? Breathe. Take a moment for yourself. Wanna talk to someone? Call someone with a good ear. These people will let you vent their ear off and never say a word. Wanna be alone? Hit the gym, take your frustrations out there or pick up a book.

You may find serenity in other forms as I do. Instead of retail therapy, I'm investing my time into something that's worth more to me and will hopefully reap monetary benefits. Yuup, I'm writing. I pour my heart into my pen so much to where my hand wants to fall off! When you cry so much like me, to where your contacts fall out, you've got a story to tell. I wouldn't care if no one read my stories here on my book, I'm gonna write. It may not change you, but its changing me. I have my emotions and thoughts to guide me.

People think they know you, but you don't even know you. You will never know you. We can change, not by choice but by nature. Human nature gave us what we know as emotions.

LifeStyle 101

"When will women stop letting men dictate the way they chose to live?"

This is a question I ask myself everyday. The answer in general is probably never. Lifestyle, in my opinion, is however you chose to live you life. It could be if you want to see women, men, or both, have a group of friends that are tasteless, who you want to sleep with, classifying you as a heaux from how many you dated, if you are over weight or underweight, beautiful or ugly. Who is anyone to tell you who you are and you accept it? Some females have the nerve to get upset when a man approaches them with this. They even let this foolishness shift the way they feel. It's called confidence people. Love me or leave me alone.

There are things people question about the opposite sex that will never be answered to your liking. Despite what you've heard, all questions are not asked to be answered. When the answer is given, it's their truth. It doesn't have to be yours. Just accept and move on. Not every man will like you, find you attractive, or even agree with everything you have to say. What can you do but live? When I stopped questioning the why's and what's of what a man will do and won't do, I got a man. A damn good one at that. No man will do ever do everything you expect them to as a "man". We don't fall to everything a woman is said to do, why should they? I don't cook, but according to some men, as a "woman" I should. My truth is that doesn't make me less of a woman. I expect my man to take my car get washed, inspected and oiled, he doesn't though. That doesn't make me question his manhood.

Am I saying that majority of women/ men who continuously question the opposite sex may be the reason why they are single? Kind of. See, most women, who in previous relationships, who have been the victim of infidelity have the approach that once a cheater, always a cheater. Not necessarily. They pin the blame on all men, but forget that if they had been the cheater in a relationship, they wouldn't want the same title. I have cheated in my previous and current relationship. I wouldn't consider myself a serial cheater but, I would hate if my partner didn't trust me to say that I would do it again. Being in a relationship with someone who has a past or who is more experienced with the opposite is always questionable, however, people do change and routines change as well. You can change, but why can't he?

Although it may seem as if I am taking the men's side, I am not. I have merely been the guilty and victim of everything spoken about. I will be friends with whomever, I will date anyone I choose, and I will eat, sleep, and sh** on my own time. Maybe I am the only one left who believes in "All is fair in love and war."

Daddy's Home

Last night, I was greeted with the presence of my ever-so inebriated father at my doorstep. For what was suppose to be a pleasant one night visit, quickly turned into hell within the first 10 seconds of seeing him. Before we even spoke a word to each other, I seen him fall on a parked truck. It's never any different, however, this is not what I am unhappy about.

My father has been an alcoholic for what I can recall 35 years. Probably starting before he was of the legal age until this day. Ultimately, it got worse when my mother was sick and passed in 2008. Many of my family members use her death as a crutch, better yet excuse, to do the things they do. This sickens me because it's almost like they are blaming her for dying, which she had no control over. In the last year or so, my dad has been in and out of the hospital with pancreatitis, fluid on the lungs, and after suffering a stroke, he now has an aneurysm on his brain. But, he still insists on drinking until he can't see straight and abusing the people that genuinely care for him, forcing them to stay away from him.

What I am so unhappy about is that at 25 years old, I still have to endure his alcohol and abuse. I've never been so vocal about my family issues until now because I know there are more people who have gone through or is going through the same issues that could possibly benefit from me. If you follow me on twitter, you probably have seen me tweet about my father being a substance abuser my entire life. I feel bad that I have to separate myself from him because I am his daughter and I should be there, but I can't. Not if I want to succeed.

You would think that after losing someone so close and someone that you love dearly, that you would change for the sake of her life. Not everyone thinks the same. How many people do you have to lose physically and personally for you to even "want" to change?

I feel bad for the women that he meets. I truly do. He is a womanizer and I don't believe for one minute he will treat them any different than he treated my mom. What they get now is sh** compared to the hell she went through. He doesn't even respect his parents or children, what makes you think he will respect you? You are nothing more than a person to pin the blame on when his sh** falls apart every other day. I honestly wish it could be different because there is someone that wants to help him, but unfortunately he hasn't changed.

While I will never discredit my father for being an awesome dad and provider, he did raise us well, but as a man and a husband to my mother, he was the worst.

Suicide Watch

On to a more serious note. The fashion world has lost an icon, Alexander McQueen, was said to have committed suicide. The talk is that it was prompted by the death of his mother about a week ago. So many can ask "was it that bad?"Technically, yes, it could've been that bad. Being that I have been to the place he was before he decided to end it all, I will say that I will never question someone's decision over their own life.

Losing my mother was like losing myself. She meant everything to me. There is not a day that goes by without a thought about her. I go to be every night with hopes of her visiting me in my dreams. I would give up everything to have her here today. She means more than any amount of money could buy.

No matter what material possessions, friends, future, etc, that may "look" good, may not always be good. Having millions, celeb friends, and a bright future is nothing when it comes to self. Self is who you have to deal with when all of that is gone. When there is nothing left to buy with your millions, your friends are elsewhere, and your future is a mere figment of your imagination, all you have left is self judgement. During my deepest days of depression after losing her, the last thing on my mind was money, friends, family, materialistic items or my future. It was self. Jumping out of an alcohol induced binge, I then realized that I was worth more than losing. I had people that looked up to me and loved me. But some do not make it out of that stage. I thank God that I did and in the same prayer, I pray for those that didn't/ won't.

Many would say that they are too "selfish" to take their own life, well how selfish is it to questions someone elses decision of their own?

I am not condoning "suicide" by any means. I have been in that dark place and lost people who were close to me that never made the more selfless decision.

"When you are alone, it's a dark and cold place."